Seraphim
by Wonder and Ashes
Summary: Spike sacrifices himself to save Dawn and the world, forcing Buffy to question everything she's ever known. A story that diverges from canon during "The Gift".
1. Chapter One: Sacrifice

**Disclaimer** : All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

 **Chapter Notes** : I'm so glad that I'm _finally_ ready to re-post this. For those of you who read the original, this version is going to be a lot shorter than the old one (about nine chapters long in total), and the prophecy has been changed. However, the first few chapters won't be much different other than a few small changes here and there. I feel it reads much better now, and I hope you all feel the same way.

* * *

" _I know you'll never love me. I know that I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man."_

" _I'm counting on you. To keep her safe."_

"' _Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight."_

* * *

My room was my destination, so I can get changed into something I feel comfortable fighting in, but instead I end up in another room entirely.

Dawn's.

I sweep my gaze through the room, examining anything and everything. Her posters, newly bought after she tried to burn her old ones; her stuffed animals, a bigger collection than my own; her diaries, mended as much as they can be by a helpful Xander; her clothes, that still smell of her; and her bed, empty and creased.

She didn't have time to make it the morning we ran.

To think that months ago, I walked into this room and found it fading in and out, telling me it wasn't supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be spare; filled with Mom's art supplies and junk we'd neglected to unpack years before. Now I can't imagine it being anything other than Dawn's room.

And if she dies tonight and everything here disappears…

I don't realize that I'm crying until I feel two gentle hands lay themselves on my shoulders, the person behind me making soothing noises in an effort to stop the tears. It's Spike, and he's followed me up. How long have I been up here, just standing in Dawn's room, crying at the thought of her being gone from my life?

From existence?

I hear him speak, but I don't focus on what he's saying. I just let him lead me out of the room and towards my own, my original destination. I shouldn't have gone into Dawn's room. She's still out there, about to be cut open by a God from Hell, and I need to save her. I couldn't save Mom in time – and if I can't save Dawn either, then I'm done with this.

When we reach my room, I finally focus on what Spike's saying. "Need to give your hair a brush?"

I nod. I can still fight with my hair down, but not as well. It gets in the way sometimes. I can't afford to make any mistakes and put Dawn's life at risk.

And yet I make no move to pick up my hairbrush. I don't know why. In the corner of my vision I see Spike fetch it, before I feel him take my hair down and gently run the brush through. He didn't ask, but he didn't need to. I don't care that he's doing it. The weight of the world is on my shoulders – always has been and always will be – and for once I let someone else take care of me.

And who better than the vampire who claims to love me with his last undying breath?

He untangles any knots before he ties the hair up again. It feels nice. Wonderful, even. Soothing. For a moment I can forget that come morning, the world might not be here to greet the rising sun. If the portal opens, so be it. I'm not killing Dawn. But I'm afraid of what I'll do if Giles tries to kill her.

I lean against the cool body behind me. How is he the only person I can trust right now?

I feel his nose bury itself into my hair as he takes a whiff. I let him, and I continue to let him as his head moves further down and I feel his lips on the back of my neck. My Slayer senses are going through the roof, but I don't care. I don't care that there's a vampire at my neck.

Spike's right. Maybe I _do_ have a death wish.

 _Death is your Gift_.

Is that it? Is death just something every Slayer should embrace – _will_ embrace when the time comes, and willingly?

The thought is scary. Conjuring up the image of Dawn in my head is enough to convince myself that I can't die. Not yet. Spike isn't a danger to me right now – chip, head, shocks – but I shouldn't be having these thoughts about him killing me. Not like he wants to anymore, if his feelings really _are_ true. Which I don't want them to be, because that's scarier than when he was trying to kill me.

I pull away. He sighs.

"Sorry. Got carried away, luv. Can't help myself." He takes a step back. "I'll go before you kick me out. Weapons are ready downstairs."

He turns to leave, but I turn faster and grab his hand. I don't know why. He gives me a look of confusion, and I send him one back. I don't get it, either. I should let him leave; let him go back downstairs so I can change in private. But for a reason I can't explain or comprehend, that's the last thing I want to do.

I want him here with me. I want to lose myself in him; forget about the world and my obligations for a moment and let myself just be a normal girl. For once.

And even though I know who and what Spike is, and that what he feels for me may not be real love, I want to give him something. He allowed himself to be tortured in order to protect Dawn and spare me the pain of losing her. And now he's promised that he'll protect her until the end of the world.

If something happens to me tonight, I somehow know he won't leave. Spike doesn't leave.

With this thought, I lean in with all the confidence I can muster and press my lips to his. At first he's hesitant, but when I keep going he kisses me back. I grab his shirt and try to pull him over to the bed, while he tries to pull away.

"Buffy…pet…think…" Spike tries to tell me in between kisses.

I ignore him and any doubt that tries to break through. "Don't think. Just do."

* * *

Sometimes, on those dark and lonely nights when I was single and depraved, I fantasized what it would be like to sleep with Spike. I always imagined it would be wild and passionate and that he and I would be covered in scratches and bruises by the time we stopped and settled down.

I never imagined it would be loving and tender. But that's what it was.

When I pulled Spike into bed, I let him set the pace. What I got was soothing and gentle, not the hot and sweaty fucking session I had been expecting.

Not that I'm complaining.

When it's done, we don't linger; we both sit up, and while Spike picks up his clothes to change into, I wrap a towel around me and head over to my wardrobe. As I find something to wear, part of me expects Spike to get up and leave. Head down the stairs, out the door and never come back – or worse, climb out the window. He got what he wanted. He had me in bed. He made me come – repeatedly, I recall, which is a feat in itself.

If he doesn't do that, at the very least I expect him to start questioning me about it; if this is just a one-time thing – which is _so_ is – or if this is gonna be the start of something. If I'm giving him his crumb.

But he stays silent.

I even catch him averting his gaze, giving me some kind of privacy while I slip into my clothes.

Maybe he's not saying anything because he knows it's not the time for it. Maybe he's waiting until we rescue Dawn and things settle down before confronting me about it. In which case, I should probably make myself clear now and save later arguments.

"This won't happen again." I don't turn to him. I can't. I see him flinch out of the corner of my eye, but I press on. "I…needed that. I needed to relieve stress, and just feel like a normal girl for once before the world ends. Which it's not going to, but… My point is, that was a moment of weakness and nothing more. I know it doesn't sound fair, especially on you, and for that I'm sorry. For getting your hopes up, I mean. But I just can't go down that road again."

He has to understand that this isn't just because of him. It's because he's a vampire; a _soulless_ vampire, and my once mortal enemy. I can't do this, and if he understands me as well as he claims, then he should get that. Get why.

I finally turn to him. His eyes are averted away, unable to bring himself to look at me. God, did I do something wrong in bed?

Our eyes meet as he looks up. "Don't beat yourself up. You were incredible." Of course he can read me like a book. When has he ever not? "And I knew goin' into this that it won't happen again. I'm not a soddin' idiot. Knew it was too good to be true." Then he gets to his feet. "Told you once I'm love's bitch, and that hasn't changed. Whatever you need me for, I'll do it. Even if it's just a punchin' bad or a fuck toy."

"Spike…" I try to use a warning tone, but some hurt comes out in it, too. He knows saying that isn't fair on me. True, using him as…those things isn't fair on him either, but that still doesn't give him the right to say it. And I already said this won't happen again, so it's not like he has to worry about the second thing.

"I know," he says, breaking our locked gazes and looking away. "Sorry. Know now's not the time to fight."

"It's not," I say. "I just wanted to make things clear now. Before…before we leave. One of us might not come back, and it's probably gonna be me." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them, and when they are, I realize that it's true. If anyone's gonna die tonight – besides Dawn – then most likely, it'll be me taking the fall.

Spike crosses the room so fast it doesn't register until he's in front of me, gripping my hand tightly in his. "No, you're not."

"I might not, but…" I sigh. "When I went on that quest in the desert, I saw the First Slayer. She told me that death is my gift. Sound familiar?" I raise an eyebrow as my eyes meet his once again.

"Yeah." He nods. "Every Slayer has a death wish. But you know what? That's not the case with you. Sometimes, maybe; when life gets hard and you just wanna run away and not look back, but everyone has those moments. For normal Slayers, those moments are there more often 'cause they don't have what you have. You, however, have many things to live for, and that gets rid of the so-called death wish even in those moments when you want it. You may not think much of me, Slayer, but I'll keep you from dyin' tonight if it's the last thing I do."

Why do I get the feeling he's just jinxed that to hell?

* * *

Everyone's ready. Everything is as set up as it can be. Which is why I'm confused by Willow taking me aside.

"Buffy, I've realized that…they're gonna be people there. Like, human people," she tells me. "The mental patients."

"I know," I tell her. "Try not to kill them, but if you have to hurt them in order to get to Dawn…"

"It's not us hurting them I'm worried about," she says. "It's Spike."

I pause and realize the same thing. Sure, Spike can harm Glory's scabby little minions, but that won't do him any good if he's surrounded by people he can't hurt. How is he supposed to get to Dawn if dozens of people are hitting him and he can't hit back?

"I'm sure we can think of something."

"I have." She opens up a book in front of me and points to some fancy writing I can barely read. "This spell here… Buffy, don't freak out, but it can temporarily disable Spike's chip."

I hang onto the word 'temporarily' and meet her gaze. "How long?"

"For as long as we need, and then I just say the second part to get it working again," she explains. "Buffy, I know you and Giles and Xander would never trust him without his chip – I'm getting a little wiggy just thinking about it – but we need to do everything we can to save Dawn. We _can't_ fail. The very turning point between us winning or losing could be Spike, as weird as that sounds, and if he can't hit people…"

"Then the world ends or Dawn dies." I sigh. As much as I hate to admit it, I know she's right. I tell myself that it's for Dawn as I turn to where Spike's standing by Tara. "Spike, could you come over here for a minute?"

He wanders over and I step back to allow Willow to explain again. As she does I think about what could happen; with the chip disabled, could Spike turn around and kill us? Or at least everyone besides me? Or will he just run off, happy to be able to cause mayhem once again? Would he go and find Drusilla?

But he doesn't want the world to end as much as we don't. Our alliance against Angelus proved that. Of course that won't stop him from leaving _after_ we've saved the world, and if he has to be in the same room as Willow in order to do the second part of the spell…

"Fair enough," I hear him say. He looks at me, unspoken promises in his eyes. "I won't kill anyone, Slayer. But…if it comes down to their life or the Bit's…"

I nod, understanding.

* * *

 _Finally_ Glory's down, and judging by her turning into Ben, she'll probably be down for a while. I drop the troll hammer and hurry over to the tower.

The battle appears to be winding down. Willow is stood in front of a dazed Tara and keeping the other insane patients at bay, while Xander is still using the wrecking ball to clear away Glory's minions. I see Anya lying injured but not dead while Giles passes me, making his way over to Ben.

I know what he's going to do, but part of me doesn't care. It's Giles's choice.

I hurry up the steps of the tower. I saw Spike head up here earlier, but I haven't seen him since, meaning he's probably still up here. There was someone else up there with him besides himself and Dawn, but surely Spike can handle whoever it is, right?

I make it to the top and gasp. Spike is dangling over the edge, bruised and battered, and trying to pull himself back up. Dawn is whimpering in fear, mostly due to the creepy old demon man slicing her with a knife.

I see red, and it's not Dawn's blood.

The man turns and says something, but his words are lost on my ears as I stride towards him. I push him over the edge without a second glance.

"Buffy!"

"I'm here." I reach to untie Dawn.

"But Buffy! He cut me! My blood-"

Too late I realize that Dawn's blood is dripping. It falls off the tower and stops just below us. A light appears, along with the crash of thunder and the flash of lighting, and my heart sinks as I watch the portal open.

I'm too late.

I pull Dawn away from the edge. We pass Spike, who's finally pulled himself up, and he takes a stand in between us and the widening portal, but I can tell from his expression that he knows it's hopeless.

"Crap." I instinctively duck as a freaking _dragon_ flies out of the portal and soars above us before disappearing into the distance. Bolts of lightning leave the portal and hit various buildings in Sunnydale, turning them into manifestations from Hell.

"Buffy, you have to let me jump," says Dawn, trying to break away from my grasp. "I won't let the world end."

"And I won't let you die!"

"What difference does it make?!" she screams at me. "We're all gonna die anyway! _I'm_ gonna die anyway! At least if I jump, I'm the only one who will!"

"NO!" I tighten my grip, making sure not to hurt her.

A lightning bolt misses us by inches, and she screeches. "Buffy, I have to. Only my blood can close it."

Her blood. I remember what I said all those months ago; that we have the same blood. The monks made Dawn from me, and we have the same blood. Mine may not be the Key, but it's Summers blood.

That means…

"I have to jump."

Dawn's eyes widen. "Buffy, no! You can't!"

"I can!" I tell her. "We have the same blood. I have to jump; _I'm_ the one who saves the world. I'm the one who dies for it." I knew I was gonna die tonight. I guess that's what the First Slayer meant; death is my gift to the world. _My_ death. "I have to do this, Dawn. One of us has to jump, and it's not gonna be you."

"'S not gonna be you either, pet."

Spike. I'd forgotten he was up here. And what does he mean by…? "What?" I turn to him.

In time for his fist to collide with my face.

I hear Dawn's yelp as I fall. I expect to hit the platform – or worse, fall from the tower completely – but instead I feel Spike catch me. I'm not out cold, but I'm dazed enough to not put up a fight as he lowers me down gently.

I can't keep my eyes open. When I try, the blinding light from the portal forces me to shut them again. But through squinted eyes I'm able to make out Spike shifting into his game face. He grabs Dawn before she can jump, and then he kneels down and begins to suck out blood from her cut.

My dizziness fades and I begin to pick myself up, my eyes still fixed on Spike. I watch as he pulls away from Dawn and takes his duster off, which he wraps around my sister in an effort to keep her warm. He says something to her, but I can't make out what.

"Spike…" I stumble a little towards him. He's not turning on us, like I'd feared for a moment, but I still don't get what he's doing. He turns to me, his game face fading, and I notice the spot of blood on his lips. Then it hits me like Spike's fist did only moments before.

Spike's gonna jump.

He steps towards me and lightly rests both hands on my upper arms. I think that he's going to press his lips to mine, but instead, he presses them to my forehead.

"Buffy, listen to me. Listen." My eyes meet his blue ones, glowing as brightly as the portal behind him. "I love you. I'll always love you. And this is something I have to do. It's alright. If I see her – if I'm goin' there – I'll give your love to your mum. You have to take care of Dawn now; your friends, and the world, too. I know the life of a Slayer is hard, but you have to be strong. The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it. Be brave, Buffy. Live. For me."

And then he turns and disappears into the light.

* * *

 **End Notes** : Like before, this is a response to a challenge posted by **Tempestt** on _Elysian Fields_.


	2. Chapter Two: The Gift

**Chapter Notes** : Thanks for all the reviews so far! This chapter also hasn't changed much since the original posting, but another read and review is appreciated.

* * *

Two weeks. It's been two weeks since we defeated Glory – since Spike jumped into the portal and turned to dust before my eyes.

I've fallen into a routine. After a few days off to cope with what happened, I sent Dawn back to school. She hasn't been doing great, but thankfully the teachers still think it's because of Mom. I can't tell them the real reason, of course. At least she's working hard enough that I'm still considered to be a capable guardian.

Spike's death hit Dawn the hardest. She wouldn't come out of her room for days, and whenever I went up there to bring her food – which she didn't each much of, anyway – she'd always be holding the same thing in her hands, crying over it.

The chip. The only thing left of Spike, on the ground below the portal.

Not the _only_ thing left, of course. She still has Spike's duster, which I found her asleep in that first night after it happened. After that she put it in a safe place, so it could still smell of Spike. She misses him, she really does.

And I'd be lying if I said that I don't.

The implications of what he did have been turning in my head, over and over. I think about it when I'm sat with Giles and he's helping me sort through bills and paperwork. I think about it when Willow and Tara are over, helping Dawn with her homework. I think about it when I'm sat with Xander and Anya, listening to them chat about their day.

Spike saved the world. Saved Dawn. Saved me.

He helped me save the world before, when Angelus tried to open Acathla, but that was for selfish reasons. He wanted Drusilla back, and he wanted to still be around enjoying his unlife. This time, he gave up his existence so that Dawn and I could live, which is something that, as a soulless demon, he shouldn't be capable of: selfless sacrifice.

He didn't do it to "get into my pants" as Xander would say. Because he died. Actually for real died. And that's losing out all around.

I don't get it, though this is nothing new. Spike always had a nasty habit of throwing me out of whack where my beliefs are concerned.

I really don't want to talk with anyone else about what this could mean, but two weeks on the dot since Spike died, Giles sits down with me and brings up the topic. Why couldn't he have said something earlier, before I had all these conflicting thoughts that are too scary to admit?

"I know how long it has been, Buffy, but I felt you would need time to settle before I broached the subject."

OK. That's why.

I sigh. "Everything used to be so simple. Demons are bad and they try to end the world. Humans are good and they save it. Simple, and easy to remember."

"I have told you once before that is not always the case," says Giles. "You recall when your friend almost had you killed in exchange for being turned?"

I remember, but I don't want to. Ford was dying; desperate. I remember Spike, who turned Ford, which forced me to stake him. I remember the fear in his eyes when I threatened to stake Drusilla. How could a soulless vampire feel that much fear over the possibility of losing a loved one?

How could Spike go from wanting to kill me to dying to save the world so I don't have to?

"He told me that he loved me," I say. "Said that he had to jump."

Giles nods. "He will do anything for the one he loves. If we look back over his history, we see that his loyalty to Drusilla is well documented. He did anything and everything for her. He never betrayed her. He almost gave up his existence several times in order to ensure her safety. The only vampire couple who have been together for longer are two other Aurelians; James and Elisabeth. And another pair who come close to being together for as long are Angelus and Darla, but they often betrayed one another whenever it suited them."

I flinch at the mention of Angel, and the fact that he was with Darla for almost as long as Spike was with Drusilla. "So what does that mean?"

"You may not like this, Buffy, but… All evidence suggests that contrary to what we've been telling ourselves, Spike _did_ love you," says Giles. "It is the only way that his sacrifice would make sense."

I know he's right. I know it would make sense. Why else would Spike give up his existence? But if I admit that – if I admit that Spike loved me and probably still loves me wherever he is – then I'll be going against everything I've ever believed. And I'll be forced to face the one question I've been running from for years.

Why couldn't Angel love me after he lost his soul?

"It can't have been love," I say automatically. "What if he felt something he _mistook_ for love?"

"That's still love," says Giles. "Whether you accept it or not, Buffy, Spike loved you. He loved you enough to end his own existence so that you may go on living. It is something I would have found hard to accept years ago, but I have witnessed many a soulless demon do unprecedented things in the name of love. I understand that you have trouble believing this, Buffy, but simply denying such a thing because you don't like it is cowardly and childish. I expected more from you."

I sit staring at him, unable to believe his words. I'm surprised that he's saying stuff like this, since he was the one who told me that soulless demons are incapable of feelings in the first place. Unless he's changed his opinion since then, like he's implying he has. And to be honest, I've seen a lot of demons do things they shouldn't be able to do. And Spike is right at the top of the list.

But that question still lingers, and I curl in on myself.

Giles leaves, probably knowing that he won't be getting any acceptance from me anytime soon, and I let myself sigh when I hear the door shut behind him.

"I can't believe you."

I turn and see Dawn standing in the hallway next to the stairs. She must've been eavesdropping again, as usual. I'm the Slayer; why can't I ever catch her in the act? "What is it, Dawnie?"

"Don't call me that! Not after what you just said!" she yells. I didn't expect her voice to get louder. "I can't believe you're just gonna ignore Spike's sacrifice!"

I rise to my feet. "I'm not ignoring it, Dawn."

"You _act_ like you are!" she says. "Actually no, it's not acting! You _are_ , because you know that if you don't ignore it, you'll have to accept the fact that Spike loves you! And you can't accept that because it messes up your perfect little world where all demons are bad and all humans are good!"

"I don't think that!"

She scoffs. "Yeah, right. You've always believed that, ever since your precious _Angel_ lost his precious little _soul_. That's the reason you could never accept Spike, isn't it? The reason you can't acknowledge that he loves you without his soul is because Angel didn't when he lost his. Well, have you ever considered the fact that maybe, _just maybe_ , that Angel never loved you as much as you thought he did?"

My fist clenches. "You have no idea what you're talking about, Dawn."

"Or maybe you know I'm right but you refuse to see it."

"Grow up, Dawn!"

"I'll grow up when _you_ grow up, you heartless _bitch_!" she yells. "You remember back in sixth grade, when I was in love with Elijah Douglas but he humiliated me in front of the school? I vowed never to love anyone else again, but you told me that first loves are never meant to last. Our first loves are not our true loves. It's funny how much of a _hypocrite_ you are. Why don't you take your own advice for once, instead of living in your own make believe world where everything is how _you_ want it to be? Well, you know what I've learnt from all this? That's not how the world works."

"I know-"

"No you don't." She folds her arms across her chest. "You know who plays make-believe? _Children_. They want the world to be a certain way, but it's not. You know what adults do? They take the world as it is, not what they want it to be. You can keep living your life pretending that everything belongs in little black and white boxes, but all that's gonna prove to everyone else is that you're swimming too deep in the river of denial. So before you tell me to grow up, go look in a mirror and tell yourself the same thing."

She storms away upstairs, and I don't follow. Because I know she's right.

* * *

 _The portal is open. Spike's below us, watching in horror._

 _My blood can close the portal. I have to do this, for Dawn. For the world. I'm the Slayer. This is what I was born for. This is how it always ends, for every Slayer called and every Slayer who will ever be called._

 _I watch the sun rise before I tell Dawn to keep on living. Then I turn around, run, and jump into the light._

I awaken with a gasp. Dream. It was just a dream.

Or was it?

Somewhere, deep down, I feel that's what should've happened. I should have jumped that night instead of Spike. I'm the hero. I'm supposed to save the world. I'm supposed to die saving it.

I'm supposed to die.

Not Spike, the soulless vampire who dedicated most of his unlife to evil. Vampires; they're the ones who should be trying to _end_ the world, not save it. It's wrong, a vampire saving the world. Apart from Angel, but he has a soul. That gives him a pass. But Spike didn't have a soul. He was soulless – evil – and yet he saved the world.

Wrong. All wrong.

I climb out of bed. I open the window and crawl through it. I can't see the tower from where I am, but I know it's somewhere in the distance. I'm still hazy from sleep. The images from my nightmare – _dream_ – are still there before my eyes, and they tell me what I have to do. I can't see any other alternative. I don't think.

I slide down my roof and land on the grass below. I walk.

It doesn't take long. Or maybe it does, and I'm not paying attention. The tower looms above me, and my eyes fix on the place where the portal was. Where Spike turned to dust in front of us all.

Where _I_ should've taken my last breath.

I climb the tower. Maybe I'm really not paying much attention to anything, because sooner than I think, I'm at the top. The tower sways in the wind, but I ignore the danger.

Danger is nothing to the Slayer. The Slayer is danger. Danger leads to death. Death is my gift.

"Buffy!"

I turn. Dawn.

"Dawn."

"What the hell are you _doing_ up here?!" She's still in her pyjamas, like I am, but she took the time to put on a jacket and a pair of shoes. I don't have any of that. I don't need them.

Where I'm going, I won't be needing anything.

"I should've died," I say. "Spike shouldn't have been up here. I was the one who was supposed to die. I'm the hero. He's the villain. Villains don't die to save the world. Heroes do. Slayers do. Death is their gift."

"Are you possessed?" she asks before shaking her head. "Buffy, I'm distraught that Spike died. I lost a friend that day. But…he died so we can live. So _you_ can live. And, what? You're just gonna jump and kill yourself because you think that you should've died instead of him? Because you can't accept that he saved the world instead of _you_? You really _do_ need to grow up!"

I turn my back to her and look down at the ground far below us. "Death is my gift."

"OK, so maybe it's not all about you and your weird jealously," Dawn mutters. I hear her take a few steps forwards. "Buffy, death is a bad thing. It should _never_ be a gift, especially yours. Please don't leave me alone. I've lost Mom and Spike; I can't lose you, too. Death, it…it causes pain and suffering, and that's all you'll accomplish if you jump."

The haziness starts to lift. I begin to think.

Pain. That's what the First Slayer said. Love is pain. The Slayer forges strength from pain.

The Slayer forges strength from love.

Death is my gift. Spike is death. His death is my gift. He was in pain when he died. His pain – his love.

I should forge strength from his love.

Spike sacrificed himself because he loved me; because he wanted me to keep on living. And so far, I'm not doing a very good job of that.

It hits me then where I am and what I was about to do, and my eyes widen. What was I _thinking?!_ Granted I was in a dazed state, probably due to lack of sleep, but that's no excuse. How can I be so _stupid?!_

I back away from the edge of the tower and encircle Dawn in my arms. "Oh my god, Dawn, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking straight. I had a dream where I died instead of Spike, and…"

She hugs me tighter. "Let's just get down from here."

I nod and we begin to climb down. As we do I go back over my realization, and I find that I'm no longer afraid of it. Spike loved me, and he died for me. For the world. For Dawn.

It's as simple as that.

* * *

Dawn wanted a funeral, and I couldn't find it in my heart to say no.

It's mid-afternoon, and we're all stood just outside Spike's crypt. Part of me is glad that my friends are going along with this, for Dawn's sake, although I admit that I almost pummelled Xander into pudding when I first told him and he laughed – while Dawn was in the room.

He's trying not to laugh now, I can tell, but Anya is squeezing his hand unnaturally tight, which is shutting him up.

It's not just us. One of Spike's poker buddies, Clem, is here too. He's a really wrinkly demon I can't put a name to, though Giles assures me that his kind are harmless and don't bother anyone unless threatened. I can see that he's legitimately torn up that Spike's gone, wiping away a tear as we begin.

I wonder if he has a soul.

After saying a few words, Dawn steps towards the small hole she dug right outside the crypt. In her hand is a matchbox, and in that matchbox is Spike's chip, ready to be buried.

"Bye, Spike." She kneels and carefully places the box in the hole. For a moment she's just still, staring at the box and the chip and what it represents, before getting to her feet and taking the shovel in her hands. She replaces the dirt she dug up until the box is buried, and gently pats the ground when finished.

We spend the rest of the afternoon removing Spike's stuff from his crypt, or as much of it as we can. The large bed can't go anywhere, and the built-in shower would just be a pain to dismantle. Clem tells us that he'll get some of his poker buddies on the case later, if they have the time or patience. If they're anything like Spike, they won't have enough of the latter even if they work together.

We're done by the time the sun starts to set, and Dawn and I are last to leave. She just stands in front of the buried chip for a few minutes before following me out of the cemetery. This is another door closed.

So why does it feel like another door opened?

* * *

 **End Notes** : The scene on the tower was inspired by a scene in **Gwyneth Rhys** 's fanfic _Somniloquy_.


	3. Chapter Three: Growing Up

The worst thing about an apocalypse, besides the whole 'end of the world' bit? Demons scatter. Kind of ironic, since they're usually the things behind one.

There are little to no vampires on patrol, and there haven't been since Glory's defeat. Summers are always slow, I've learnt that. I call it the Post Apocalypse Drag. But with no vampires to stake and no demons to beat as an outage for my frustrations, I'm stuck with it bubbling away inside me.

With the night running slow, I find myself wandering into Restfield and in the direction of Spike's crypt. Part of me expects – and dare I say _hopes_ – to hear the snarky vampire's voice again, yelling at _Passions_ or complaining about how his newest appliance won't work. Instead, when I reach the crypt that's now empty, all I hear is silence.

It's unnatural.

I stand in front of the buried chip, looking down at it. The notion that Spike loved me is scary, but I've acknowledged it. I kinda had to when I was standing on top of Glory's tower under the messed up belief that I need to die; that I was supposed to die instead of Spike. But I didn't die, and I wasn't supposed to. Instead it was Spike who leapt off the tower and saved the world.

Because he loved me.

I feel tingles at the back of my neck, and they're familiar. For one scary moment, I think it's Spike.

But I turn and instead come face to face with Angel.

"What are you doing here?" I'm pretty sure I told him once to call before he came. I didn't get mad at him last time because it was Mom's funeral, but if he's here now because of some stupid vision his friend had…

"I heard," he says. "Willow phoned Cordy. She thought I'd like to know."

"Why would you?" I ask. "To celebrate? You hated him. And if you _are_ here to celebrate, then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. Dawn's really upset about this."

But Angel shakes his head. "While it's true that I never liked Spike, he was still my family. I've come to pay my respects."

"Oh." I turn back to where the chip is buried. "We buried his chip in a matchbox. It's here." I point.

He crosses the gap separating us and stands next to me, head bowed. We stand in silence for a few minutes.

"How did he die?" Angel asks finally. "Willow didn't explain."

"There was this Hell God. Glory," I explain, avoiding his gaze. "She wanted to open a portal back to her Hell dimension, but doing that would destroy the world. She…she needed Dawn's blood to do it. We tried to stop her, but the portal opened and the only way to close it… Dawn would have to die. Her blood had to stop flowing. Since Dawn and I have the same blood, I was ready to die in her place, but Spike… He knocked me down and drank from Dawn before jumping into the portal himself. He turned to dust and closed it."

I look up at him and see the confusion in his eyes. "Spike saved the world?" When I nod, he asks, "Why? Granted Spike's never been big on ending the world, but that's because he doesn't want to end his existence. Sacrificing himself to save it… Something's missing. He wouldn't do something like that for no reason."

"Love," I say. "He'd do it for love."

Angel shrugs. "I can't deny that. But you told me that Drusilla left. Who else could he love…?" He trails off when he sees my hesitant expression. "Oh." He shakes his head. "Wait. You mean to say that…? No, he can't…"

"Yep. Spike did something stupid as per usual and fell in love with me," I tell him.

"Spike loved you…"

"I think we've covered that," I say, looking away again. "I didn't believe him for a while because he didn't have a soul, and I didn't think he could love without a soul despite his history with Drusilla. Everyone always said that if demons don't have souls, they don't have the ability to feel anything. But now…I'm not so sure. I mean, you couldn't love me the moment you lost your soul, so something doesn't add up. If Spike can love without his soul," I look up at Angel again, "why can't you?"

I see his expression and realize that he knows the answer. But he's reluctant to tell me. "Buffy…"

"Angel." I'm not in the mood for his puppy eyes, which he always seems to give me when he wants forgiveness for something or wants to avoid a question. Part of me is ashamed that I always fell for it when I was young and so in love with him that I couldn't think straight. Now I've grown, despite what Dawn said, and I can tell when Angel's trying to avoid something he knows I won't like. "Be honest. I need a straight answer."

He sighs, defeated. "Buffy… The truth is… It's not that Angelus _couldn't_ love you. He merely _didn't_."

I stare. "What?" It never bothered me before whenever he referred to his alter-ego as another person; it made things easier. But hearing him say it now – tell me that Angelus is a completely different person – bothers me more than I think it should.

"Angelus could love," he continues. "But he loved Darla. He had some affection for Drusilla, too, but… He only ever loved Darla. He hated that I killed her for you, and he hated my love for you. That's why, when I lost my soul, he tried so hard to break you."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. All this time Angel let me believe that demons couldn't love without their souls, despite knowing that it's not true, and only because his demon half doesn't love me.

"You…"

"But I still love you, Buffy," he tells me, giving me that smile that used to melt my heart. "I'll always love you."

 _I'll always love you_. Spike's words echo in my head. He told me that when he didn't have a soul and right before he jumped to save the world. And now Angel's telling me the same, cursed with a soul, after just admitting his demon half hates me and that he's basically been lying to me the whole time.

Would I have kept on loving him had he told me that earlier? Probably not, and he knew that. He knew I wouldn't, so he made sure I believed the opposite. That he _couldn't_ love me without his soul.

What hits me the most, though, is that if he'd told me that earlier, maybe…maybe I could've been more accepting of Spike's love. Heck, maybe I could've been happy with him for a short time.

But no. Angel just had to be selfish.

"That is so out of line," I tell him. His smile fades. "You've been lying to me this whole time – letting me believe something that wasn't true – just because you wanted me to keep on loving you. Did you ever consider that I was making myself _miserable_ believing that? Believing that we could be together without that pesky curse in the way; that you loved me completely? I could never move on because of that. Things fell apart with Riley because of you."

"I thought you said…?"

"That he let vampires feed from him? Yeah, that happened, but it was because I was afraid to commit," I explain. "And not only that, but because I was fooling myself with him. You said I should find a normal guy, so I did; I found one who reminded me of you, and I was just playing house with him until the day you came back. It's wrong, knowing I would've dumped Riley without a second thought if you ever came back. That's what you did to me."

"Buffy-"

"I think Dawn's right," I say. "First loves really _do_ suck. They _don't_ work out. What else have you been lying to me about, I wonder? Actually, don't answer that. I'd rather not know. But if you think we can work again after this, then you've got another thing coming."

"Buffy, please-"

I cut him off. "I don't want to hear your excuses, Angel. Right now I just want you to leave before I kick you out of town myself."

I turn away and refuse to acknowledge him. Angel stands there for a few minutes before he finally leaves. Only then do I let a tear escape my eye.

* * *

How could I have been so stupid to fall for him; to be so in love with him that I took everything he said as face value? Teenage stupidity, thy name is Buffy.

Did I not think for myself? No, I really didn't. Not when it came to him. He was the one who saw that our relationship wasn't working and broke up with me, which in hindsight was probably a good thing.

The worst thing? I think I knew something didn't add up. I saw the love in Spike's eyes long before all that, when I threatened to stake Drusilla. And then again when he came back to Sunnydale the following year, drunk and heartbroken. He was living – OK, _un_ -living – proof that demons can love without their souls, but all that got ignored when Angel lost his.

Taking into account Angelus's feelings, everything makes sense now.

I wrap my arms around me as I walk home. Dawn's right about my denial. The evidence was always there, but I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't bring myself to accept that maybe Angel didn't love me as much as I thought he did. I guess I just wanted to hold onto that innocence; those good times we spent together when it was just me and him and our love against the world, together forever. I was _really_ naïve back then.

And holding onto that really hasn't done me any good. It ruined my relationship with Riley from day one, led to me sleeping with Parker, and Spike…

Would I have hated Spike as much as I did? Could I have accepted that he loved me from day one, hell, even given a little love back?

My thoughts are interrupted by a scream for help. Slayer senses on alert, I hurry to where I can hear a struggle. Finally a vampire to stake. Weird, because I never sensed one, but I'm not gonna complain.

I find him pinning a girl against the wall of an alley. I stride forwards, grab his shoulder and pull him away, throwing him to the floor. I take out a stake and go to kill him, but I freeze mid-stab when I realize that this guy isn't a vampire. There's no game face, and being in the game as long as I have, I'm pretty sure that a vamp shows his fangs when he's about to feed.

The guy smirks. "You know, girlie, if you wanted to join in the fun you could've just asked."

His leer and the girl's whimper behind me are like two slaps to the face, and I realize exactly what his guy had been intending to do. I don't hesitate to punch him, knocking him out cold. I probably could've pulled my punch a little more, but I don't care. The girl behind me is only a little older than Dawn, and it's disgusting what he was about to do to her.

Once I know the guy is unconscious I turn to the girl. "You OK?"

She nods.

A door opens further up the alley and a woman steps out. "What's going on out here?"

"Call the cops," I tell her, gesturing to the guy on the ground. "I've got a present for them."

* * *

"You were passing by when you heard the scream? What were you doing out this late at night?"

"I was at the Bronze," I tell him. "I was there until they closed. It wasn't very long ago."

The cop nods, writing my answer down. "And when you saw what was happening, you pulled the suspect off her and disabled him."

"That's right," I say. "Although you can hardly call him a suspect. He pretty much admitted what he was doing to my face."

"Men like him have no shame," says the cop, closing his notepad. "I suppose we should be thanking you. We've been after this guy for some time." He then goes on to tell me about the amount of women the guy has raped and then killed, and I can't listen to it. I excuse myself, asking if I'm done here, and the cop lets me go. I don't leave until I'm certain the girl is safe and that someone's picking her up.

It hits me when I'm far from the scene, that this guy didn't – and doesn't – feel any remorse for what he's done. He has a soul, and what he's been doing is in some ways worse than what Spike – a soulless, evil vampire – ever did.

* * *

I tell the gang everything the next morning at the Magic Box. About Angel's visit, what he said, and then finally about the rapist I caught. Things settle down and I find myself sat at the table with the open Book of Tarnis in front of me. Isn't that the name of something in a British sci-fi show Xander and Giles sometimes argue over?

I re-read the section where it states that Dawn must die before I slam the book shut and push it away. I don't want to be remind of the fact that Dawn could've died that night. And I have Spike to thank for her being here, along with the world.

Anya suddenly sits down next to me, which is strange in itself because she's usually by the cash register – or anywhere in the store where the money is.

"I don't often speak to you, Buffy," she starts. "But we should. More often, I mean. Xander says that I should get to know you all better, and I've made effort with Willow. But I never made any effort with you."

"Thanks, I guess," I say. I shouldn't be surprised; Anya's always been blunt like this.

She shrugs. "I saw this as a good opportunity to make my move. I don't want to upset you or make you angry, but I'd just like to say that the soul doesn't matter."

I turn to her, frowning. "What?"

"The lack of soul in demons isn't the single reason for their ability to be evil," she explains. "True, it's a contributor, but I've met many soulless demons who have never been evil and don't even _want_ to be evil. It's all about environments and how demons are raised. When people turn into vampires, they're essentially reborn. They have to relearn, so to speak. And since most vampires have been evil – have killed for food – since the dawn of time, all vampires learn that they must do the same. They're like babies; they copy their "parents" and learn from observing. If say, you found a vampire coming out of his grave, you may be able to teach him to rely on bagged blood instead of kill for it."

It's weird, because she's actually making sense. And I've encountered a lot of newly risen vamps who didn't have a clue what they were or what was going on. But those newly risen vamps still had blood lust, so trying to teach them to curb it would've been ten times harder than trying to teach a baby how to feed themselves.

Which, remembering Dawn, is actually pretty hard, anyway.

"So it's the nature vs. nurture theory?" I ask. I'm surprised at myself that I actually know that. Maybe I really _did_ pay attention in school.

She nods. "Think about it. If the soul really mattered, then there wouldn't be bad humans in the world. It doesn't give them a better idea of right and wrong, or define who they want to be. That's what a brain is for. I mean, I didn't turn immediately good the moment I became human. I tried to go back to becoming a Vengeance demon again. Do you remember Willow's evil vampire twin?"

"Unfortunately." That was freaky even by Sunnydale standards.

"I was human when I did that," she further explains. "I only considered giving up evil after I met Xander and grew to like him. If I hadn't met him then I'd probably still be trying to get back into D'Hoffryn's good books."

Anya changed because of Xander, I realize. Being human and having a soul didn't force her to make that choice; she made it herself without that influence. Suddenly I can't help but draw parallels to Spike, who decided that he wanted to fight with us when he fell in love with me. On that night he admitted it he said that he could be good, too. He didn't need a soul, he claimed. He wanted to be a good guy, learning from my example, because he loved me.

Only then do I realize how amazing that is; that Spike, without a soul and with a century of evil on his shoulders, wanted to become a good guy because of love. There should be better reasons for it, but that would be asking too much of him.

I'm so confused by everything.

"Buffy, are you alright?" I look up to find Giles watching me with concern. Anya has left me and gone back to the cash register.

I bite my lip. "Why does this keep happening? It's like, the more I know the more confused I get."

"I believe that's called 'growing up'."

"I'd like to stop then, OK?" But he just gives me one of his looks and I sigh. "I think I need to go on another quest."

* * *

Soul searching in the desert. How cliché.

At least I got to see Giles and his gourd again. Hilarious.

I wander through the desert until I see the mountain lion like last time, and it leads me to the familiar clearing before disappearing. I take a seat and close my eyes, waiting for my guide to arrive.

When I open them again it's dark, and there's a fire before me. Behind the fire is the familiar figure of the First Slayer, staying out of reach.

"I know it hasn't been long since my last visit, but I really need your help," I say. "Spike… He's a vampire, and he used to be my enemy. He was evil. But then he fell in love with me, and I didn't believe him because…because Angel, my last boyfriend who's also a vampire, didn't love me without his soul. I thought that he _couldn't_ love me, which he made me believe, but it was actually because his demon half didn't. And then Anya told me that a soul doesn't really matter; that not having a soul doesn't make you evil by default and that having a soul doesn't make you good… I don't know what to do, because I've believed what I've wanted to believe for so long, but Spike saved the world and me and Dawn, and ignoring that is wrong, and I know I have to grow up but…" I bite my lip.

"Let go," says the First Slayer. "Let go of what makes you confused. Open your eyes. Trust what you see, what you hear and what you feel. Do not let your heartbreak of the past blind you to what lies in your heart in the future. Holding onto old beliefs you know are not true will only hurt yourself and those around you."

I nod. "But how do I live if I don't know what to trust? Everything was easier when it was black and white."

"The world is made of shades of grey. Differences," she says. "Life is never easy. Trust your heart. You will make mistakes, but you are only human. Do as your vampire said, and live."

The fire suddenly goes out, and I open my eyes again. It's daytime.

Differences… I get to my feet and walk back the way I came. The world is made of differences. People are different; we all have different personalities, different goals, different ideas on the nature of good and evil…

It must be the same for vampires, too. Each and every one of them is different. Spike is different.

Spike loved me, despite not having a soul. And I won't let his sacrifice be in vain.


	4. Chapter Four: Ninety Seven

**Chapter Notes** : Apologies for the late posting. This chapter is where things start to change compared to the old version.

* * *

Three months. Ninety-seven days. That's how long Spike's been gone for.

So much has happened during that time. Not long after my trip to the desert, Xander and Anya announced that they were engaged. They held a ceremony with just us in order to avoid Xander's rowdy family…and some spoil-sport demon who Anya hurt in the past, who showed up anyway to try and ruin the big day. But we stopped him, and since then things have been fine between the happy couple.

I got a job at the Magic Box. Mostly working as security, but also bringing in anything I find on patrol – be it unusual charms and jewellery, vampire dust or demon guts – and Anya pays me depending on how valuable it is.

Sometimes – like today – I get the day off to do some house cleaning or to spend time with Dawn. Today she's out, so cleaning it is. She's been dealing better since Spike's death, but I can tell that she still misses him.

I reach into the coat closet to fetch the broom, but instead I pull out the large plastic coat…cover…thing – so I can't remember the name of it, sue me – that Dad used to use for his business suites, long since forgotten in the middle of our parents' messy divorce. It doesn't smell of Dad anymore, which is a good thing considering what it's now protecting from the outside world.

I open it up to reveal Spike's duster, put there by Dawn the morning after she slept in it. I lean forwards and take in a good whiff.

It still smells. Of smoke from his cigarettes – a packet of which is still in one of the pockets, along with his lighter. Of blood, both his own and the stuff he consumed from the butchers. Of the bleach he used to die his hair – and how he was able to do that without a mirror, I'll never know.

It smells like…Spike.

When did I start to miss the smell of him?

When did I start missing his smart-ass quips, his insults aimed at me and my friends, the annoying way he popped up on my patrols and tried to help, the look of anger he used to give me which somehow turned into one of longing and love…?

When did I start to miss Spike?

I know the answer. When I realized that I relied on him more than I knew I did. Whenever I was having a bad day I both beat down on him and talked to him about my problems. He never judged, apart from a couple of half-assed insults which were more helpful points of brutal honesty rather than statements said to actually hurt me. When I needed him to watch Dawn and help Mom, he did it without argument. He did a lot of things without needing to be asked, and even though I tried to ignore what he did, I appreciated them.

He even showed me what my supposed boyfriend was doing behind my back, knowing full well that it would hurt me but that I needed to know anyway, because it was wrong and I couldn't stay in blissful ignorance no matter how much I wanted to.

I took him for granted. I never realized how much Spike made me laugh sometimes; that even though he was annoying and a general pain in the ass, he always lightened the mood. He made things fun. The past few years would've been boring without him hanging around. Probably a lot less dangerous too, but fun always comes with a bit of danger.

Most importantly, Spike tried. He tried to help me, sometimes succeeding and sometimes not. He tried to get my attention too many times to count, attempting to prove that he's changed and that he's genuinely trying to help. But I ignored him, because all he ever was to me was my annoying arch enemy who could no longer try and kill me, but would if he ever got the chance. Soulless demons could never change, and that was that.

Now I see that he _did_ change – but now he's gone, and it's too late for me to do anything about it.

Part of me realizes that had he not died, I would never have made these realizations. The weight of his selfless sacrifice is what began to convince me of all this in the first place; what got me thinking. No sacrifice, no realizations.

But I would give anything to have him back, if only for a few minutes, to tell him how sorry I am for the way I treated him.

I don't deserve to have someone die for me; the same someone who I was a total bitch to. I kicked him to the curb so many times, and for him to put up with all that, and to then die in my place even though it was the last thing I deserved… I mean, I slept with the guy. I _used_ him, and pretty much told him that to his face, saying it meant nothing to me and that it won't happen again.

And yet he still kept his promise. He still went up there and sacrificed his unlife to save mine. To save Dawn. To save the _world_.

And my brain is _really_ getting repetitive now. But I guess that's because it hasn't fully sunk in yet; that Spike's really gone and that he's not coming back. Part of me is still expecting him to walk through the door a little worse for wear, or to pop up on my next patrol like an annoying whack-a-mole, or appear out of my basement…

I don't realize that I'm starting to cry until I spot the tears falling onto the duster still in my hands.

Spike's gone. He left. Not purposely, but he still left. All the men in my life – all the men I care about, whether I realize it or not at the time – leave me. And it always seems to happen more often than not as a result of me sleeping with them. Angel, Parker, Riley… Angel was gone the morning after and so was his soul, and while Parker was sort of there, he was pretty much done with me after he got what he wanted. It took a little longer for Riley to start leaving, but I still vividly remember that night when I woke up to find the other side of my bed empty and Spike standing in the middle of my room…

Spike. Gone. I slept with him, and now he's gone. But he's not like the others; he died saving the world, thus saving me. It was either him, me, Dawn or the world. And in his eyes, the other three weren't an option.

Would it have been different if that had been Angel up there? Would he have metaphorically thrown Dawn under the bus so he could still have a chance to be with me one day? And Riley doesn't even have the blood drinking option, which doesn't make me feel any better.

I screw my eyes shut when I realize that had it been either one of them up there, Dawn probably wouldn't have lived to see the sunrise.

That doesn't take away the hurt; the knowledge that Spike's gone, and he died as love's bitch. Doing what he does for love even though he knows that no one loves him back. Dawn does; it's undeniable that she loves him like the big brother she never had.

I sigh, wipe away the tears, and put the duster back where it belongs.

I'm cleaning the bathroom when Dawn arrives home. "Buffy, I'm back!"

"I'm up here!" I call down to her. I open the bottom cupboard and pull out the empty toilet rolls Dawn's been shoving in there. Why can't she put them in the bin like a reasonable person instead of leaving them around for me to clear up? A voice in my head which sounds suspiciously like Mom's tells me that I was the same when I was her age, but I ignore it.

Speaking of Mom… I pull out a box of her old pregnancy tests from last year, when she missed some periods and thought she might be pregnant despite her lack of love life at the time. Part of me had been frightened that some demon spawn had found its way inside her, but luckily it had just been one of the side effects from her surgery.

I shove the box into the bin as Dawn walks in. "Willow wants to know what take-out we're having tonight, so she and Tara can stop and pick some up on the way home."

Willow and Tara, sharing the house with us. I would ask them to help with the housework, but the last time I did it was worse than _Mary Poppins_ and _Bedknobs and Broomsticks_ combined. A reference I would never have been able to make had Giles not sat me down and forced me to watch both movies. Stupid uptight British guy.

"We're not having take-out tonight," I tell her. "I'm gonna cook instead."

I turn in time to see her eyes widen. "Is it the apocalypse and you just haven't told me?"

"Ha, ha."

"Maybe I should give Willow and Tara a heads up; tell them to stay clear of the house for a few hours…"

"Dawn!" I throw one of the empty toilet rolls at her head, which she quickly ducks to avoid. "I need to learn how to do these things, and how am I gonna learn if I don't try?"

She sighs. "Why can't you just let Willow and Tara do all the cooking? _Giles_ can do a better job than you!"

For some reason that hurts, and before I know it there are tears in my eyes. "But…but I need to learn how…because Mom's not here to do it, and if everyone else leaves and it's just you and me, then I won't be able to take care of you, and you'll be taken away…"

"Buffy?" Dawn crosses the bathroom and takes a seat on the floor next to me. "Buffy, I was only kidding."

"I know." I wipe my eyes, deducing that I really, _really_ need to stop over-working myself. I keep getting emotional whenever I do. "But I really wanna do this. I need to."

She shrugs. "Fine with me. But if no one turns up tonight, you know why."

I throw another empty roll at her as she runs laughing from the room.

* * *

 _I'm standing by my bed, and on the other side is Spike. He's helping me make it. Isn't that usually Faith's job?_

" _Where's Faith?" I ask._

 _Spike looks up and I gasp when I notice that he's wearing his demon face. "Locked up, remember? It's not her time to be let out yet."_

" _She usually makes the bed with me."_

" _Not this time," he says. "Two Slayers don't make an angel."_

 _Suddenly a baby starts crying somewhere close by, and I look towards the open door. "Dawn?"_

" _Bit too old to be her." I turn back to Spike and find him lying on the bed, which instead of clean, is now blood-stained. The blood is coming from the back of Spike's head, and his hand is covered in it, too. I also notice him holding something small with wires sticking out: the chip. "There. All fixed."_

" _Will the farm be enough for you?"_

" _Not about that, is it." His demon face disappears and he nods towards the open door and the crying baby. "Best go see what the Littler Bit wants."_

 _I leave the room and follow the crying. It's coming from Mom's old room, but on the door I find the name 'EMMA' hanging on it, written in carefully crafted wooden letters. I step instead, and instead of finding Willow and Tara's magic stuff, clothes and Mom's bed, I find the entire room re-decorated in green and blue with a crib set up against the far wall. Inside it I see the waving arms of a baby, still crying._

 _I walk over to her – must be a 'her', judging by the name on the door – and lean over the crib._

 _She's beautiful._

 _When she sees me she stops crying, gurgles and smiles up at me. I smile back before I lean in and pick her up. "Where did you come from?"_

 _Suddenly the scene around us changes, and I'm standing at the bottom of Glory's tower. There's a storm brewing, and the baby starts to cry again._

 _Lightning flashes. Thunder claps. The night sky turns an electric blue as a portal opens up high above me. I hold the baby close, protecting her from the worst of it, as I squint in order to see what's happening. The wind picks up and blows my hair in my face._

 _Then something falls out of the portal and hits the ground below with a hard thud._

 _I try to focus on the figure, but he's too far away. I can tell it's a 'he', though. He struggles to pull himself up just as the portal closes above him, but its sheer power is too much for the tower, and it begins to sway under the strain of being so close._

 _And then it begins to fall – right on top of the mysterious figure._

 _I open my mouth to warn him but no voice comes out, almost like it's been stolen once more by the Gentlemen. Even the baby is now silent. I can only watch in horror as the tower collapses right on top of him, burying him under piles of heavy rubble. No man could survive that._

 _Unless he's not a man at all._

I jolt awake and sit upright, taking in deep and heavy breaths.

* * *

"Work?" I ask. "There's work to be done?" I stare at Giles and then at the rest of my friends, all gathered in the living room of my house. I guess something must have happened. Maybe that's what my Slayer dream was trying to tell me?

"Yes," says Giles with a nod. "Tara brought it to my attention early this morning."

Tara continues, "I sensed a large shift in the dimensional planes. It almost felt like someone pushed something through into this dimension from another."

"You can sense that?" Anya looks depressed. "I used to be able to sense that. Stupid breakable power centre."

"Something trying to be pushed through…" I trail off when I think the worst. "Could it be Glory somehow returning?"

"I very highly doubt that," says Giles. "Glory has been destroyed for good." He looks away, and I don't ask how he knows. I already know the answer.

"Could it have something to do with her?" asks Xander. "One of her siblings, maybe? It would make sense since the tower's collapsed."

"What?" I suddenly give him my full attention.

"Glory's tower collapsed this morning, early hours," Xander replies. "No one was hurt. But coincidence? I think not, my dear Watson."

"First of all, that is not how the reference goes. Secondly, I do agree that the connection is unsettling," says Giles.

I don't hear what he says next, because I'm thinking back to my dream and how it must mean something. But what? Is what I saw how it actually happened last night? Or is it some kind of metaphor like my Slayer dreams always seem to be? And if it actually happened, who's the mystery man who fell out of the portal? The stories of Glory we found did say that she had brothers, but somehow I don't think Mystery Man is one of them. Nothing about him screamed 'God'.

Then who could it be?

I'm about to open my mouth and inform everyone of the dream when suddenly, out of nowhere, I feel vomit rushing up my throat, bursting to get out. Using my Slayer speed I rush out of the room and up the stairs, reaching the bathroom in time to throw up the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

Ew. Gross.

"Buffy?" I look behind me to see Dawn. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah," I say, getting up. "Probably from the chicken we ate yesterday."

She screws her face from the smell as I flush the chain. "Yuck. But if it was the chicken, why are you the only one throwing up? We're all fine, and shouldn't it, you know, be the other way around with us getting sick instead of you? Or doesn't Slayer healing work that way?"

"I had flu once, remember." Upset stomach pills. I'm pretty sure we have some in the top cupboard…

I open the door and dozens of tampons come spilling out. OK, how did I miss cleaning this cupboard before? Oh yeah; I was gonna do it yesterday but didn't get round to it because we were all suffering the consequences of my bad cooking.

I bend down and begin to pick everything up.

"You know, Mom usually waits until we're running low before she buys more stuff," says Dawn. She's just watching me, not making a move to help. Oh no, it's not like I _need_ any help, Dawn. I only just threw up, after all…

"I haven't bought any in a while," I tell her. Seriously, why do we have so many?

Dawn gives me a questioning look. "Really? But I've been using them. When was the last time you did?"

I go to reply…but my mouth hangs open when I realize that I don't remember. I can't remember when I last used a tampon.

I can't even remember when I had my last period.

No, wait. I do. It was…before Glory forced us on the run. And that was three months ago.

 _Three_ months ago.

I've skipped months before; one month at a time. It usually happens when I'm under a lot of stress because of schoolwork or a brewing apocalypse, but that's only one month. Mom told me that it happens sometimes. If I miss a month then I shouldn't panic, because it's usually down to stress or some minor health reason.

But three months? That can only mean one thing.

"Dawn, I need a minute." I don't wait for her to reply before I push her out of the bathroom, ignoring her protests. Once the door is locked I hurry over to the bin and pull out the box of pregnancy tests I disposed of the day before last.

Stick out. Pee. Wait.

I leave it in the sink and pace, telling myself that this can't be happening. Dawn eventually stops knocking and demanding that I let her in, leaving me in peace to think about this. There has to be some other reason why I haven't had a period in three months. Some kind of illness, right? Because if it isn't, then…

Spike was the last guy I slept with. And I slept with him three months ago.

But vampires can't have children. Angel and Giles made that very clear; vampires are dead re-animated bodies and don't even hold the capability to be able to create a child, especially with a human.

When it's ready, I close my eyes and pick up the stick. I take in a deep breath before opening them again.

Positive.

I drop the stick in the sink. It must be a fluke. It has to be.

Stick out. Pee. Wait.

Positive.

Stick out. Pee. Wait.

Positive.

Stick out. Pee. Wait.

Positive.

I use them all, and they all tell me the same thing: Positive.

I'm pregnant.

And the father is…

Before I know it I'm on the bathroom floor, staring at the tiles. Tears well up in my eyes as the implications set in. Somehow, by some miracle, Spike didn't leave me with nothing.

He left me a gift.

I don't hear the banging at the door, and I ignore my friends as they pick the lock and swarm in, crowding me, asking me if I'm OK, seeing the tests and realizing the same thing I have…

My life's just got way more complicated.


	5. Chapter Five: Miracle

**Chapter Notes** : This chapter includes a short doctor's visit. It's not long, but if I get something wrong then please tell me.

* * *

I'm gently led into the living room by Willow and Tara, where I sit down on the couch between them.

I still can't speak. I can't say a word.

I'm pregnant.

And Spike – through some impossible miracle – is the father.

"Is it Richard's?"

Xander's voice brings me out of my thoughts and I finally look up. All of my friends are watching me, waiting for me to say something. "What?"

"Richard," Xander repeats. "Is he the father?"

I shake my head. "No. We didn't sleep together." Richard was one of Xander's co-workers who he persuaded me to date not long after the wedding. The first date was OK, but the second date not only made it clear that I have nothing in common with him, but that dating a normal guy is something the Slayer can't do.

And he was just…boring. Especially compared to Spike…

"What about Riley?" asks Willow.

Giles is the one who shakes his head. "It has been too long. Buffy would have given birth by now."

"Then who?" asks Anya. All eyes return to me.

I can't say anything. I can't let them know that I slept with Spike – but not for the same reasons as before.

I don't hate him. I can't hate him after what he did. But I don't think my friends will have the same opinion. They've accepted that Spike loved me – in Xander's case, grudgingly – but accepting that I may be pregnant with his child?

I'll tell them, but I can't tell them yet. I need to be absolutely sure first.

Until then… "I know who it is. But I want to see a doctor before I tell you all, just to make sure that I'm really pregnant. Those tests were sitting in the cupboard for some time; they could be faulty."

Everyone seems to accept this and they nod.

Just as they're all leaving Dawn gives me a suspicious sideways glance and it makes me wonder what she's thinking. Is she hurt that I never mentioned seeing someone? Ever since Mom's death Dawn and I haven't kept anything from each other, so not telling her about an affair I supposedly had – even though it's a topic I shouldn't really be telling her about – has gotta be a little hurtful.

And since it was Spike I slept with… How is she gonna take it when I admit the truth?

* * *

"It's Spike, isn't it?"

I almost drop the plate I'm washing in shock before turning to Dawn, who's drying up. "What?"

"The father." Dawn glares, but it's half-hearted. "Don't lie to me, Buffy. Please."

I sigh. "Yeah. It's him. But how…?"

"If it was anyone other than him, you would've told everyone right away instead of making a doctor's appointment," she replies. She's got a point. "You said yourself that vampires can't have children, so you'd want to be absolutely sure first. And…and after he died I asked Willow to tell me everything Spike did before the battle, and she said that he came home with you to get weapons. She also mentioned that you were a long time, so…I kinda put the pieces together."

OK, I'll never be underestimating Dawn's intelligence again. None of the others, not even Giles or Willow, connected the dots like that. Unless they have and they're just not saying anything. Or they think I would never have even slept with Spike in the first place.

"It was just a one-time thing," I say.

"That's why I'm a little mad," says Dawn. Her arms fold across her chest. "I remember what you were like after he died. It's not hard to figure out that you probably just used him."

I flinch. "I know, and it was wrong."

She shrugs in agreement. "At least you're not falling into your usual denial." I open my mouth to argue, but close it again because I know she's right. I've spent most of my short adult life living in denial, and I won't be doing that again. Not after all the pain it's caused. "And I can't be that mad at you. I'd rather Spike be the father instead of anyone else."

My agreement with her takes me a little by surprise, but it's the truth. Because at the end of the day, I've got a little bit of Spike within me; a piece of the man who gave up his existence just so me and my sister could keep on living.

* * *

Giles drops me off at the doctor's office with Willow and Tara tagging along. The three of us sit in awkward silence for about five minutes before the doctor comes out to greet us. "Hi. Buffy Summers?"

"That's me." I get to my feet and hold out a hand to shake. "You're Dr. Hall?"

"Yes. Pleased to meet you." He shakes my hand before he leads the three of us into his office. "Just lie down on the bed and tell me why you're here."

I lie down before I explain, "I took several home pregnancy tests yesterday, and they all told me that I'm pregnant. I just want to be absolutely sure in case it was a faulty packet, or there's something wrong with my pee."

"It's always best to make sure." He nods. "For how long do you think?"

"Three months," I say. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Willow and Tara mentally work it out in their heads, and I see them exchange a quick glance at each other. They must've figured out that I got pregnant around the time we battled Glory. Would they make the jump to Spike?

I see Dr. Hall speak into his office phone, and barely a minute later a nurse enters the room with a weird microphone device and walks towards me. "Buffy, this is Nurse Cope," says the doctor. "What she's got there is a sonicaid; it'll let us hear the baby's heartbeat if you really are pregnant."

"It already has a heartbeat?"

"Of course," says the nurse. "Now, I need you to life your shirt up. I know the microphone will feel cold…"

"It's fine." I hold my shirt up and let her press the microphone to my belly. Almost immediately I hear a tiny and repetitive 'thud-thud'.

That's my child.

He or she is in there, growing inside me.

It hits me that I'm going to be a mother. I don't think I fully realized it before, what with the shock of actually _being_ pregnant – the father being a vampire of all things, and one who used to be my mortal enemy. Added to the fact that I've been a substitute mother of sorts for Dawn…

That's my baby in there. A new life growing inside me; an innocent child. The heartbeat proves that despite who the father is, the baby is perfectly healthy and human.

And there is no way I'm getting rid of it.

The others can complain all they want – that I have enough on my plate with my duties as the Slayer and as Dawn's guardian, that I shouldn't be carrying the child of a soulless demon who was once my mortal enemy – but I'm not changing my mind. This baby is a miracle and a gift, no matter who and what the father is. If they try and talk me into an abortion out of some twisted logic that it's the right thing, then they'll have one pissed off mother Slayer on their hands.

But maybe that's extreme. We're the good guys, after all. Maybe they'll be supportive. But once they find out who the father is…

I just have to be ready for them. Either way, I'm keeping this child, and there's nothing they can do about it.

* * *

It's only after the Magic Box is closed and Xander's work is done that we all meet in my living room once more, ready to talk about it.

"It's official," I say, even though everyone knows already. "I'm pregnant."

"So who's the father?" Anya asks impatiently.

Willow speaks up before I can. "You said it's been three months… So you got pregnant around the time the thing with Glory got worse."

Xander's eyes suddenly widen. Oh god. He's figured it out. "Ben!"

OK, maybe not.

The eyes of everyone else widen, too. "Oh no! Buffy, you're carrying the child of a Hell God!" Willow cries. "But maybe not, because Ben wasn't technically a Hell God…but he was sharing a body with one…"

Dawn suddenly bursts out laughing and I can't help but face-palm.

"Does this reaction mean we can all be gratefully relieved?" asks Giles.

I nod. "I never even went on a date with Ben, let alone slept with him. Although I hope to god that he didn't try to have any relationships at all, because having sex with a girl only to turn into Glory in the middle of it?"

Everyone shudders. "Where's the brain bleach when you need it?" says Xander.

"So if you didn't sleep with Ben," says Willow, "who was it? There wasn't anyone else around at the time."

"And you are not one to have a one night stand," adds Giles. He wisely doesn't bring up the subject of Parker.

I bite my lip. Resolving to tell them the truth is one thing. Actually telling them the truth? A whole other thing. It's one of those things that are easier said than done. Maybe if I leave it long enough they'll figure it out themselves?

Dawn must see my hesitation, because she says, "I know. I figured it out. And I can honestly say that there wasn't a mystery guy around at the time. He was actually helping us."

Xander shakes his head. "No, that doesn't make sense. It's only us who were fighting Glory at that time, and that leaves just me and Giles."

"And Spike," Tara points out. I lower my head to avoid everyone's gaze.

"Oh yeah. _Spike_." Xander laughs. "Buffy would never…" But he trails off. He must be looking at me, seeing my expression, connecting the dots… "No… Buffy, no…"

I look up at them all, watching as their eyes widen as they all jump to the same conclusion. Willow's hand flies to cover her mouth. "Oh, Buffy!"

"Yeah, I slept with Spike." I get to my feet, knowing that I need the strength so I don't back down. "And now I'm pregnant."

"Brain bleach!" Xander looks even more horrified than he did during the false engagement. "Desperately need brain bleach!"

"Honey, I don't think brain bleach exists," says Anya. For her part, she doesn't look like she's about to have a heart attack, which I suppose is a good thing. Tara looks the same and is trying to bring Willow out of her state of shock.

Giles has already taken off his glasses, and he cleans them so hard that the lens pops out. "That is… No, it shouldn't be possible. A vampire cannot conceive children. Any means to do so died when they did." I should take it as a blessing that this is the first thing he jumps on rather than the fact that I slept with Spike at all.

"Why do you think I wanted to be absolutely sure first?" I say. "I was just as shocked."

"Forget the baby!" Xander interrupts. "Why did you sleep with Spike _at all_?!"

"Because…I just did, OK?" I snap back. "It was right before the battle when we came back here to get weapons. Mom was gone, Dawn was gone, and…and I let it get to me. I needed to forget; to feel something. He was there, and it may sound horrible, but he was convenient. I came onto him, and I used him. But I wasn't going to let it happen again, and he knew that. Honestly, I didn't deserve for him to go and sacrifice himself for me, but he did it anyway."

Out of the corner of my eye I can see Dawn trying not to get angry, but she's restraining herself. Probably because I'm sorry for what happened. I shouldn't have used Spike in that way.

But something good came out of it. I can't deny that.

There's silence for a moment. But then Xander has to go and open his big, fat mouth.

"So what now? Are you going to an abortion clinic? Or if this is some kind of demon spawn, maybe there's a spell-"

All I see is red, and when I return to earth my foot is through the coffee table right in front of him, splintered to pieces. I'm bleeding in places, but I don't feel the pain. I take in deep, steady breaths, trying to calm myself down so I don't reduce Xander to the same mess as the table.

"You try anything, Xander Harris, and nothing will stop me from pounding you into the pavement." I then turn to Willow, who's watching me with wide eyes. "The same goes for you. I don't want any spells being cast out of some delusion that it's best for me. This baby is innocent; it has a heartbeat, it's healthy and it's human. And even if it wasn't, that wouldn't stop me from hurting anyone who tries to hurt my child. I don't care who the father is; this baby is a miracle, and I'm not getting rid of it."

I remove my foot to reveal my ripped jeans and blood running everywhere. I only notice that Dawn's left the room when she re-enters with a first aid kit. Giles takes it from her, and after I sit automatically, he begins to treat my foot.

"It is your choice, Buffy," he says. "And I will support whatever choice you make."

I smile, grateful. Earlier I was terrified that he would be disappointed in me, and that he'd let his hatred for Spike get the better of him. But he loves me like the daughter he never had. And he was the one who pointed out that Spike must love me, so maybe Spike's sacrifice has earned his grudging respect.

Also… "You just saying that because of the research opportunity?"

"No." But then he shrugs. "Though it is intriguing and very tempting…"

I smile wider. "I think that's called for anyway. I mean, a vampire fathering a child? You said so yourself that it's impossible, so _something_ must be up."

"Research party?" asks Willow hesitantly. She's probably worried that I'll yell at her.

"Yeah." I nod. "Tomorrow."

"I agree," says Giles. "But as of now, the only explanation I can come up with is that this is intervention from the Powers That Be. Though that is highly unlikely in itself, because they usually do not intervene at all in such a way."

"But it would explain the shift in the dimensional planes," says Tara.

Suddenly Xander gets to his feet and storms out, slamming the front door shut behind him. After a moment of hesitation Anya follows, muttering a quick apology under her breath. I get why Xander is upset about this. He's never liked demons – even though he's dating an ex-demon himself – and he never liked Spike. But I hope he can come around.

Because I really don't want to lose a friend over this.

* * *

Research party. Yay.

Though I'm actually trying this time because I want to know about my magical mystery pregnancy as much as everyone else does. I want to know the purpose; if my child is destined to fulfil some great prophecy, or if this is just some random hiccup due to living on the Hellmouth.

If this is a mistake, will the Powers That Be try to take my child back? Will he or she be perfectly normal or will he or she have some kind of super vampire powers? Or even super Slayer powers? And will my child actually live long enough to see adulthood?

It's evening, and we're all dotted around the shop with a book and a pile of more books each. At first it was just me, Giles and Dawn looking, then Willow and Tara joined in after their summer classes, then Anya closed the shop and joined us, and then Xander finished work and arrived with pizza and doughnuts. I was worried that he wouldn't show up, but he did. But he hasn't spoken to me yet.

"Anything?" I ask out loud, wanting to break the silence.

"Nothing so far," says Willow.

"I've been both reading and going through my thousand years of memories," says Anya. "And I've never heard of a vampire being able to father a child."

"I have never heard of a Slayer being a mother to one," Giles speaks up. "Apart from this Slayer here. Her name was Nikki Wood, and she was active in New York during the seventies. She fell pregnant at eighteen and lived to be a little older than you, Buffy."

So there are Slayers who have lived long enough to see adulthood. That makes me feel better. "What happened to her kid?"

"As far as I am aware, he is still alive," says Giles. "It states here that her Watcher refused to let his Slayer patrol during her pregnancy. And I have to agree." He looks up at me then with his stern Watcher-face on. Oh boy. "Buffy, I think you should stop slaying until the baby is born. It will do no good for you to risk both your lives."

Reluctant as I am, I've gotta agree with him there. I can't risk the life of my child. "Fine. But who's gonna take over?" My friends aren't exactly the best when it comes to slaying. Giles maybe, and Willow could use her magic to her advantage, but everyone else…

The only person who could've taken over would've been Spike. And he's gone.

"And I suppose your sudden disappearance will raise questions among the demon world…" Giles muses aloud.

"We could use the Buffy Bot," says Willow. "I still have it. She'll need fixing up, but she can slay and make it look like you're still out there."

I nod. It's a good idea…but its mention just serves as a reminder that Spike isn't here. He won't be here to see his child. Why does everything remind me of him?

"Good lord." Giles takes off his glasses as he looks at the pages of diary in front of him. "Nikki Wood was the second Slayer to fall victim to Spike."

Well, that makes things worse. First Willow reminds me of Spike's gross and desperate attempt to fill up the Buffy-shaped hole in his heart, and now Giles is reminding me that whether I like it or not, Spike killed two Slayers. And I was supposed to be his third until he went and fell in love with me. He used to be evil; every definition of what a vampire should be.

Spike deprived a boy of his mother. And yet, I can't conjure up any hate for him. He changed. There's no going back to what I used to feel towards him. I used to be a stuck up bitch shallower than Cordelia, and I changed. People shouldn't call me a shallow cheerleader, because that's not who I am anymore.

It's the same for Spike. I shouldn't call him an evil monster, because that's not who he was in the end.

In the end, he was a hero.

And these happy thoughts are making me feel _so_ much better. "I should get going. Dawn?"

"I was gonna sleep over at Janice's, remember?" says Dawn.

I remember. I'm starting to get scatter-brained. I feel so old. "OK. Do you want me to drop you there?"

"I can." It's the first time Xander's spoken to me tonight, and it takes me by surprise. "You can head home. Get some rest."

"Thanks." I try to send him a grateful smile, but he turns away before he can see it. It'll take some time, I can tell. Maybe Dawn can yell at him about it like she did with me.

It definitely helped me see what was right in front of me the whole time.

After saying goodbye I leave, slowly walking home as I lose myself in my thoughts. I try to think about all the things I have to do and get for the baby; all the preparations, the things I need, and what I'll be doing for the next several months. It's scary, thinking about becoming a mother, but I'd rather be thinking about that than the realization that my child will be growing up without a father.

My Slayer senses overwhelm me and I'm forced to stop. I turn to look down an alley and see a large vampire pinning a woman to the wall. Definitely a vampire this time; I can see the fangs.

My first instinct is to help, but I hesitate. I need to think about the baby. That vampire won't be an easy fight, and if I get hurt then the baby gets hurt too, and if I miscarry my little miracle…

The woman screams and I can't ignore it. I run down the alley and pull the vampire off her just as his fangs pierce her throat.

"Go!" I yell, as I turn and punch the vampire in the face. The woman doesn't hesitate and runs.

The vampire growls, and I retaliate with another punch. Then a kick. Punch. Kick. Punch. Punch. Kick.

Suddenly he grabs me and throws me into the air. I'm able to turn as I fall so my back takes the full blow, and I hit the wall harder than I anticipated. I fall to the ground, once again turning so my precious cargo is protected, but I begin to panic when I realize that I'm blacking out. I can't focus, I can't stand, and the vampire is standing over me, laughing.

He begins to bend down.

But then something attacks him. A blur.

I can't see what it is. I black out.


	6. Chapter Six: Feral

I wake up in the dark.

I don't know where I am, but I'm lying on a bed. I sit up, pausing for a moment when my head spins a little. I close my eyes, count to twenty, then open them again. I need to see where I am, and I have no desire to walk around in the dark. A stubbed toe is the last thing I want.

The room is still dark, but at least now I can see a little better. Only there's not much to see. There's the bed that I'm on, which is pretty big. Red sheets, from what I can make out, and covered in dust. So obviously it hasn't been used in a while. Other than the bed, though, there's not much else. Just a large chest of draws which we were going to leave behind…

I remember now. I'm in Spike's crypt. But how did I get here?

The light-headedness fades, and when it does I realize that my Slayer sense is tingling. But not in a way that screams 'Danger!'; it's a vampire, but not one that's a threat. The tingles are familiar, and there are only two vampires that have become familiar to me. One is Angel, and he's in LA. I made it clear that he's not welcome back here unless it's an emergency.

The second…

I hear a growl coming from the other side of the room, and I turn my attention to it. There, in the corner, someone is crouched down. Like he was resting; waiting. But he – it has to be a 'he' – must have heard my heartbeat pick up, and now he's stirring. I can see his hair. It's pretty bright, even in the dark…

No…it can't be…

The vampire turns, his yellow eyes meeting mine, and I gasp.

"Spike."

At the sound of his name he sits upright before crawling on all fours towards the bed, and I notice that he's only wearing his jeans, but they're very ripped. As he crosses the room he makes several low growls, but not in a threatening way. It's like he's trying to communicate, or talk to himself; I don't know. I don't speak feral vampire, and I probably won't be learning it anytime soon.

Feral vampire. Spike's feral. How else can I explain the fact that he hasn't said a single word to me?

I remember back to when Angel was feral. He'd returned from Hell and he had a soul, and yet he still tried to attack me. Several times. He didn't recognize me at all, and the only reason he fought off Mr. Hyde was because I wasn't in his line of sight. If I had been, he would've attacked me too.

He couldn't even keep control when he _was_ himself. I shudder as I touch where his bite marks had once been.

Spike growls louder when I do, and I snatch my hand away with a jump. What am I supposed to do? Spike can hurt me right now, and if I'm honest, I don't want to hurt him. But I may have to, even though I'm not at full strength, not to mention a fight between us could hurt the baby…

The baby.

The father of my baby is here before me, and he could hurt us.

The universe hates me.

I can do nothing but watch as Spike hops onto the bed, still getting closer. I shuffle further back, but he just gets closer still. He places one arm over me, blocking my escape, and looks me dead in the eyes. In his yellow eyes I can see no malice or hate or anger. I'm not really sure _what_ I see in them. But if there's anything I've learnt over the past six years, it's that animals are unpredictable. Spike's not an animal, but right now, he may as well be. His demon's in control.

His eyes then focus on my neck, and he leans in. I screw my eyes shut, and I get ready to push him away the moment his fangs penetrate my skin…

I feel his skin touching mine, gently rubbing together, and he purrs.

I open my eyes before turning my head slightly in order to see what he's doing. He's not biting me. That was never his intention, I realize. Instead he's…nuzzling me. Gently. Tenderly.

And he's purring. Like a big kitty.

OK. What?

His nose runs along my skin, taking whiffs all the way, before he buries his face into my hair and takes the biggest whiff of all. It's…actually pretty cute. And god, I hope he's not doing this just for the fun of it; to toy with me. But this is Spike, and he's never really been one to do things like that. He doesn't have the patience for it. He would've already laughed and started to tell me about how Hell was boring and how he missed watching _Passions_.

And what he's doing…actually feels pretty nice.

I can't help it. When he pulls away and goes to nuzzle my neck again, I bring my hand up and begin to run it through his hair. If he wants to act like a kitten, then I'll treat him like one. And his hair is really _soft_ , especially for someone who's most likely spent their time in Hell for the past three months. Or longer, taking into account the time difference. It's still slightly bleach blonde, but at the roots I can see its natural colour returning.

And Spike should let his hair curl more often, because it's adorable.

As I run my hand through his hair his purrs grow louder and he nuzzles with more affection. He brings his hand up to my hair and copies my gesture; running his fingers through and even gently untangling some knots.

He pulls away, and I miss him. But then he positions himself next to me so he's lying on his side, and after sending me what I assume is an assuring look, he wraps one arm around me and pulls me close while his other hand goes to my hair again, only this time he pets it like I'm the kitten while he begins to nuzzle a soft, sensitive spot behind my ear.

This has to be a dream. Spike can't be back. Good things like that don't happen to me. I'm probably still lying unconscious somewhere, be it in the alley or at home. One of the others must have saved me. Unless no one did, and I've died and gone to Heaven.

There's only one way to find out.

I reach up and pinch myself. Pretty hard. Harder than I expected, and I yelp from the sudden pain.

Spike immediately pulls away and before I know it, he's staring into my eyes intently. Then he begins to look over me frantically, sniffing, touching, feeling…

Oh my god, he thinks I'm hurt and he's trying to find out what's wrong. That's so sweet.

"Spike." At the sound of my voice he turns to look at me. At least he seems to know his own name. That'll make things ten times easier. "I'm not hurt. It was just a pinch. See?" I point at the small red mark that's already fading away.

He leans in to sniff it, before his tongue darts out and he licks the patch of skin slowly. His tongue is cool and rough, and oddly soothing on the skin that's still hurting a little. After pulling away, he gives an adorable look of satisfaction before settling down again in the same position as before, only this time he wraps both arms around me and pulls me in close, in a way that's both tender and possessive. He nuzzles that toe-curling spot behind my ear again as his hand – curled almost like a paw – gently strokes my arm.

His movements are soothing, and I can't help but feel cared for. Loved.

Spike loves me. I knew it before – was forced to realize it at the top of Glory's tower – but his actions now ram it home to me loud and clear. Spike doesn't mean me any harm. He loves me, demon and all. He's caring for me like any lover would care for their other half. This is the type of loving care he provided to Drusilla for over a century, and how she could leave him I'll never know.

I don't think I've ever felt as safe as I am now, lying in his arms. Here I can forget about the stress of everything; looking after Dawn, paying bills, slaying, learning to live without the annoying former ban of my existence in my life… Though now I think I can cross that last one off my list.

Spike's back, and I think he's here to stay.

How long it'll be until he's back to his usual self, I don't know.

But right now, I'm content to just lay here and pretend that the world above doesn't exist. I find myself snuggling closer to him, and in response Spike's arms tighten around me and he purrs again.

I feel my eyes starting to close, but I don't mind. I know I'm safe here, so I think I can afford a little shut-eye. I can go back to the others later when I'm not tired, but right now, I'm content to just rest. They'll question why he's back. How he's back. Where he's been all this time. If his sudden return is linked to the fact that he's going to be a father.

Those are questions that can be answered in time, but I don't want them answered right now. Right now I don't want to think. Just feel. And being snuggled up with Spike feels pretty damn good.

* * *

I wake up to an empty bed.

It shouldn't be so unusual for me. It's definitely not the first time; Angel was gone, Parker was gone, and even Riley was gone a few times. Not that I actually _slept_ with Spike in terms of sex this time…

But Spike isn't supposed to be gone. Unless what I saw was just a dream, or some kind of illusion.

I'm sad for a moment until I hear laughter coming from the top level of the crypt. It sounds like…Dawn's. I hear several grunts and playful growls, and figure that Spike must be up there, too. So he's not gone, and it wasn't a dream. He's really back. And I don't even feel bad about him leaving me down here; he's with Dawn.

But what are they doing?

I climb off the bed, glad that I have my strength back, and head over to the ladder leading up. When I climb them and reach the top, I can't help but smile at the sight that greets me.

Dawn is lying on the couch – the same couch we left behind because we didn't know what to do with it – in fits of laughter, and Spike is tickling her feet. He's still in vamp face, and judging by the noises he's making, he's still feral. But he seems to know who Dawn is, and he's playing with her. Just like a big brother would play with their little sister.

I climb out of the hole and smile wider as I watch them.

Spike spots me first and stops tickling Dawn, sending me such a look of pure adoration that I can't help but blush a little under his gaze. Seeing that he's stopped, Dawn sits up and follows his gaze to me. She beams. "Buffy!"

"Dawn." She runs over to hug me, and I hug her back. "You OK?"

"Yeah," she says, pulling away. "We were all so worried. You didn't come home last night, and we've been looking for you ever since. You've been gone for almost twenty-four hours!"

"What?" Twenty-four hours? That long? I look out through one of the gaps at the top of the crypt and notice that it's almost dusk. "I've been…"

"I can see why you didn't come back." Dawn turns to smile at Spike.

I shake my head. "It…I… Last night I saw a vamp attacking someone, so I fought them. He would've killed me had Spike not come. He must've brought me back here. I've spent most of my time asleep; I only woke up once before now."

"Oh." She shrugs. "I figured you'd be here, after the way you were acting last night; all mopey because Spike's gone. But now he's back!"

Spike walks over to us, this time upright, and when he's in front of me he lifts his hand and gently touches my cheek with two of his fingers, looking almost afraid that he'll hurt me.

"Yes, he is," I say, bringing my own hand up to clutch his. He purrs.

"But why?" asks Dawn. "Why is he back?"

"I don't know," I reply honestly. "I have some idea, but I can't be sure. Remember when you-know-who got brought back by the Powers That Be?" I don't dare say Angel's name in front of Spike. He recognizes us and he knows his own name, so it isn't too hard of a guess that he'll recognize Angel's name, too. "Spike could've been brought back by them, too."

"He _did_ save the world," says Dawn with a shrug.

"And it probably has something to do with the mini person growing inside me," I say. "It can't be a coincidence."

Before we can say more Spike suddenly pulls away from me and turns towards the door. It looks like he's listening for something. And then he starts growling.

"Is someone coming?" asks Dawn.

In response, Spike starts to gently nudge us towards the ladder.

"I'll take that as a yes," I say, noting his sudden surge of protectiveness. It's too early for vampires to be out, but it could easily be a demon. Or some teenagers who could've made the crypt a hang-out spot because of the couch. But there's no evidence of that, unless the development's recent…

…and if they know about the lower level, then we're in trouble. I can handle a couple of teenagers, but since I'm carrying a baby, I'll have to be careful. And Spike won't be able to fight back because of his chip…

No. We buried his chip. It was all that was left of him after he closed the portal. His chip didn't go with him.

Spike doesn't have his chip. I didn't even think about that earlier when I was worried he'd hurt me.

The sudden fear disappears as quickly as it came. If Spike was planning on killing us, he would've already done it. This is just the kind of demon he is. He may have needed it at first – to stop him from killing people and to fall in love with me – but now he doesn't. He didn't even need it when he was fighting off Glory's minions and mind-sucked victims, helping me rescue my sister. He could've left us, but he didn't.

I don't think the others will be so understanding, though.

Spike climbs down behind us, pausing briefly to close up the hole. When we reach the bottom, he gently nudges us towards the bed and we climb onto it. Then Spike places himself in front of us, crouched and ready to pounce at any unlucky intruder.

We remain silent and listen to the door above opening and several footsteps getting louder.

"Are you sure she would've come here?"

Tara.

"She seemed pretty adamant that Buffy must be here."

Willow.

"I don't get why she would be. Why would she come back to the evil undead's evil lair?"

Xander.

"Maybe because the evil undead is the father of her child?"

Anya.

"It appears that neither of them are here, however."

Giles.

They've all come looking for us. Well, I guess now is a better time than ever to show them that Spike's back.

I start to get up, but Spike turns to me and growls. I run my hand through his hair to calm him down; I know it's working when I hear him purr. "It's the gang, Spike. It's not anyone dangerous. We need to go up and show everyone that we're OK. Understand?"

He looks at me, his head tilted to the side slightly – that hasn't changed despite being feral – and I go to move off the bed again. This time he doesn't protest. Dawn follows me towards the ladder, and Spike brings up the rear as I begin to climb. I move the slab of stone aside, and I hear the talking cease as I climb out of the hole.

"It's OK, guys," I say. "We're here." When I'm out, I turn and help Dawn up.

"Buffy!" Willow cries out in relief. "Where have you been all this time? And why are you…?" She trails off, and I watch as everyone's eyes widen.

Spike must've appeared.

I turn to Spike, who's watching them all warily, and then back to the others – in time to see Xander take out a stake.

"Xander-" But before I know it he's striding towards us.

Spike roars at him, but to his credit he doesn't pounce, and Xander yelps. He drops the stake and hurries back several steps.

"Spike! What…what's Spike doing here, all…demon-y and undead?" he asks.

"Is he feral?" Giles goes to take a step towards us, but Spike's growls grow louder and my Watcher thinks better. Spike further makes his point clear by stepping in front of me and Dawn.

"Yeah," I reply. "But he's hasn't hurt me or Dawn. See?" I reach forwards and run my hand through his hair again. Spike stops growling and instead purrs.

"He's…" Willow's face softens slightly. "He's acting like a big kitty."

Tara bravely takes several steps towards us, watching Spike the whole time. He watches her, but he doesn't growl or look like he's going to attack her. Instead he lets her approach, and even allows her to place a hand on his shoulder.

"His aura is full of love," she says, smiling. Behind her, Willow plucks up the courage to approach, too. I expect Spike to at least growl at her a little – Tara I can understand him allowing to get close, because he always made a point of showing that he likes her – but he doesn't. He lets her stand right next to Tara, though she's not brave enough to touch him.

"Oh, I get it." Anya approaches as well, and again, Spike doesn't growl. Xander tries, probably to put himself between Spike and Anya, but Spike growls at him once again. "I wouldn't do that, honey. Giles shouldn't, either."

"Why?" asks Willow.

"His demon's in control," Anya explains. "And his demon sees Giles and Xander as a potential threat to his family, kind of like a male lion sees rival males as a threat to his pride."

"So he sees me as his mate?" But I don't need to ask, because the answer's already right in front of me. Spike loves me, so that's what his demon would see me as.

Anya nods. "And Dawn as a member of his family. He doesn't see us three as a threat," She gestures to herself, Willow and Tara, "because we're female. Though we probably shouldn't hint that Willow and Tara could be seen as threats, anyway."

"What if we were to prove that you and I are…?" Xander gestures to himself and Anya, not taking his eyes off Spike. He obviously wants to get closer, and I hope it's because he wants to be close to Anya instead of to take the chance to try and stake Spike again.

"That could work." Anya shrugs and walks back over to Xander before kissing him. Xander kisses her back, and I notice Spike watching them intently. When the kiss is over, Anya links hands with Xander and they both approach cautiously.

But Spike still growls, his eyes never leaving Xander.

"Or it could be because Spike just doesn't like Xander," says Dawn.

Xander just shrugs hesitantly. "Yeah, I'm gonna go with that." Then he shakes his head. "Wait, why are we even talking about this? Why is Spike even back at all?"

"An excellent question," says Giles.

"I was saying to Dawn that it could be because of the cargo I'm carrying." I place my hand on my stomach.

"So something _is_ going on," says Willow. "But what?"

"Obviously something to do with the PTB," I say. "I mean, making sure that a vampire gets the Slayer pregnant, and then bringing said vampire back from Hell? Definitely PTB related. They must be planning something."

"You're right on that account, toots."

The voice takes me by surprise. It's a voice I know well, despite not having heard it in over three years. I look over and see the familiar suit, the familiar silly hat, and the familiar face.

"Whistler."

He tilts his hat politely towards me. "Evening, Slayer. How about we go back to your humble home and I can fill you in on what's in store for you all."


	7. Chapter Seven: Destiny

**Chapter Notes** : So this chapter includes a big, major change compared to the first version of the story. I changed the purpose for what's going on, even if some things are still the same, and what I'm especially pleased about is that it much better reflects the title of the story.

* * *

Thank god it's dusk. We're able to get Spike home after some persuasion, and when we arrive back I lead him down into the basement. It's probably best for now that he's out of the way so Whistler can explain what's going on without any distractions.

When I turn to leave he grabs my hand and whimpers, while giving me the perfect imitation of a kicked puppy. I smile and give his cheek a gentle stroke. "I'll be right back." He seems to understand my words, and settles on the cot I've laid out for him as I climb back up the stairs.

Everyone's already settled in the living room. Xander broke away from the rest of us earlier in order to get something to eat, and he's arrived back with pizza and doughnuts. I tuck in hungrily, having had nothing to eat in over twenty-four hours.

And I don't care that everyone's staring at me like I've grown a second head.

I turn to Whistler. "Alright, Whistler. Spill. Why are you here?"

"Cutting right to the chase, Slayer? Fine with me." He takes off his hat before his gaze is drawn to the pizza and doughnuts. "You got any drink? And I'm talking 'bout the good stuff, not the sorry excuse for beer I found in your Watcher's place the last time."

"You broke into my home?" Giles's eyes narrow. "When was this?"

"When he showed up during the Acathla incident," I explain. "I told you about him, remember?"

"You failed to mention him breaking and entering into my home."

I roll my eyes. "Now's not the time for that." I turn back to Whistler. "I told you to cut to the chase, so cut to it before I make good on my promise to turn your ribcage into a hat. And I might wait to kill you after."

"But if he's what I think he is," Anya has been watching him carefully with interest this whole time, "then he'll be _really_ hard to kill, and not just because he's an agent of the Powers That Be."

I decide not to question further on that; I'm not sure I'd want to know, and I'd like him to explain why he's here, like, _now_. The sooner we find out what's up with Spike's return, and why I'm pregnant with his impossible child, the better.

"So," Whistler begins, "have any of you ever heard of a Seraph?"

"Seraph," Giles repeats, thoughtful. "Short for Seraphim. Isn't that a word from the bible, describing God's highest order of angels?"

"Close," says Whistler. "It's not the highest order of angels; it's just another word for angels. But some of what you've read in the bible is true, from a certain point of view. Millennia ago the original PTB ruled over everything, but a group of Seraphs attempted to overthrow them. They were defeated and scattered across the many dimensions, where they became demons."

"Demons are fallen angels," says Willow. "How are there different kinds?"

"Depends upon the Seraph. They all had different abilities and fell into different environments," Whistler explains. "One demon breed was able to affect the humans that lived here, leading to the first vampire."

"So what happened?" I ask.

"There was a war," he continues. "Seraphs either died or fell. Eventually a so-called 'unholy alliance' was formed – a third party made up of Seraphs and demons – who were getting sick of the war and wanted it to end. My parents were among them; a Seraph father and a demon mother. They were killed in the ensuing battle. But our side triumphed; they overthrew the old Powers, and the new group make up the Powers That Be you know of today."

"I heard about this," says Anya. "D'Hoffryn told me about it not long after I became a Vengeance demon."

I ask Whistler, "So the new PTB is made up of Seraphs and demons?"

He nods. "But the damage had been done. The balance had been thrown and there were very few Seraphs left; not nearly enough to fight the harmful demons left behind, be they vampires or others. So the Powers called upon a group of mystical men to create a warrior to fight the monsters until they could engineer a better solution."

"The Shadow men," Giles says. At everyone's mutually confused look he elaborates. "The ancestors of the Watchers Council. They were the first, and they were the ones who created the First Slayer."

"They found a fallen angel in its purest form and bound its essence within her," Whistler explains.

My eyes widen a little. "So that means I'm part demon?"

"Not quite," says Whistler. "You're still human, else your pal Spike would've been able to hurt you with that chip of his. The one they found was more Seraph than demon. The Powers needed it to be that way because of what they had planned."

"Planned?" I repeat.

"The group united because they realized that the world needs balance, desperately, if it's to survive," he continues. "And time's almost running out; potential apocalypses have become more common, too many people are refusing to see the shades of grey, and if we carry on like this the world will fall into chaos."

I look away at the mention of 'shades of grey', knowing that I'm partially to blame for that. "So what's their plan?"

"They need to create more Seraph," he explains. "The ones that remain in the PTB lost a lot of their abilities during the war; they can't breed and they can't elevate anyone. So they needed to create one a different way. They knew that a Slayer would be part of the equation, due to their essence. Then a few hundred years ago they figured out that a vampire was needed to complete the process; out of all the demons in this world they're the closest in terms of what a Slayer is. But it's hard for a vampire to reform, so the Powers decided to try and get one to reform through their own intervention. Though Spike wasn't their first attempt."

It hits me who he's talking about. "Angel."

"Why would they attempt to reform a monster such as Angelus?" asks Giles.

"He was a powerful vampire," says Whistler. "And they thought it would be poetic, since his name was 'Angel'. They set everything up; sent Drusilla a vision of the gypsy girl, she in turn informed Darla, who then captured the girl and took her to Angelus. When he was done, the clan sought vengeance and cursed Angelus with a soul. But the Powers couldn't send him on his destiny just like that; we had to wait for him to get his redemption kick. We also had to wait for the right Slayer to come along. That's you, toots."

I ask, "But why me?"

"Because since Angel got his soul, you were the first Slayer to be chosen without having been raised by the Council first," Whistler replies. "You didn't have the Council's prejudice wired into you, and you could be open minded." He sends Giles a glare, who looks away in shame. "Though our mistake made you prejudiced for a time anyway, and for that, we're sorry."

"Sorry?"

He looks hesitant. "We needed the demon within him to be front and centre. The soul was in the way and would prevent the creation of a Seraph. We knew that right from the start, and hoped that the soul would put an end to Angelus's ways, even when it was gone; curb the demon over time, so to speak. We had to test him; to make sure that his love was pure. The Powers were able to influence the gypsies into inserting the clause in the curse, so he'd lose it at the height of passion. Unfortunately he failed the test, and he went back to being a creep again."

"Unfortunately?!" Now Giles looks pissed. "Your little "test" broke Buffy's heart and caused the deaths of many innocent lives, including the life of the woman I loved!"

"We messed up, I know," says Whistler with a genuinely apologetic voice. "And we were shocked and disappointed when it didn't work. We thought we'd have to start from scratch – that is, until the Slayer here was approached by one William the Bloody in order to make a truce to save the world."

"Spike," I say.

He nods. "He wanted to save the world in order to save the woman he loved. He was a soulless vampire, and yet, he was completely devoted to his sire. He would do anything for her. So we made quick plans to try with him, and though your heart had already been hurt, Slayer, we realized that it wasn't damaged beyond repair, so we stuck with you. We just had to find a way to curb Spike's evil tendencies without the use of a soul."

"But why did you bring Angel back?" I ask. If he wasn't of any use to them anymore, why bring him back at all?

"When his soul got returned to him, we realized that he would still make a decent Champion, so long as he didn't get with the smoochies again," says Whistler. "We brought him back so he could seek his own redemption. But we didn't plan on the two of you getting back together, further damaging your heart." He glares at me. "That was a stupid move, and you know it, Slayer. Way to act like a dumb little teenager."

"I know." I look down. "I was stupid."

"Though it was his fault, too; for lying to you. But no one's perfect," says Whistler. "That's what all of you have gotta understand; there's no perfect hero. People lie, and people do bad things, even the good guys. Likewise, evil can do good things. It's a balance that needs to be maintained, and it's something you've gotta understand, Slayer. Am I clear?"

"Crystal," I say. "I've learnt my lesson."

"Sure hope so," he says. "Would hate for the same mistake to happen again. Even the First Evil got involved."

I blink in surprise. "You mean the root of all evil who tried to get Angel to kill me and then himself?"

"It only tried to get Angel to kill _himself_ , not you. Reverse psychology." He shrugs. "The First wants balance as much as we do, and it was willing to help on that one occasion. Not that it worked." He rolls his eyes.

"I get it," I say. "Teen Buffy acted less mature than Juliet. Can we continue, please?"

"Right." He nods. "So with Angel out of the way, the Powers focussed on Spike. We couldn't give him a soul, and I certainly couldn't try to talk him into helping you, so we were stuck for an idea. Then the Initiative came along."

"And you made sure Spike got chipped," I realize.

"Exactly." He nods again. "We gave him the urge to come back and kill you, and as a result, he got captured and chipped and he went to you for help. With the chip, there was no forcible change in personality; it allowed him to be around you and get to know you better. It gave him the chance to fall in love with you, and it worked." He scoffs. "Not that we had to do much. He was already partially in love with you to begin with."

OK. What? "Huh?"

Whistler shrugs. "I wouldn't be surprised if he fell in love with you the moment he set eyes on you. But I guess you're not the only one who loves to live in denial."

I barely listen. Spike could've been in love with me for that long? From before he even got his chip? "That…"

Whistler continues before I get the chance to finish. "It worked like a charm, alright…but we didn't want to make the same mistake twice, so we gave him a test, too. I delivered the book that contained the spell-"

"I was wondering where that book came from!" Willow interrupts.

"…and when it was time to go into battle, his chip was disabled. It was a test of his love," says Whistler. "And by not only staying to fight but sacrificing himself to save the world, he passed the test with flying colours."

"Wait…" Xander's eyes widen when he realizes something. "Spike's chip… He doesn't have it anymore! It was left on the ground after he closed the portal, and we buried it! Are you crazy for bringing him here, Buffy?! He's gonna kill us all! You need to put him in the ground where every demon deserves to be."

Before either I or Whistler can retaliate with words of our own, Anya leaps to her feet and gives Xander a clean slap across the face. It echoes around the room, and we all fall silent.

"So do I deserve to be in the ground, too?" she asks.

"No!" Xander shakes his head hurriedly as he rises to his feet. "You're human now, Ahn."

"But I used to be a demon," she reminds him. "And I can tell you right now that Spike and Angelus don't have anything on me; I've killed more people than they have combined. And yet, you're with me anyway. Does this mean you want a divorce, Xander Harris?"

"No! Anya, I love you."

"But not all of me."

Whistler stands. "I don't think I've ever seen a hypocrite like you, boy. And that bigotry needs to stop. I know deep down there's a reason – you see your best friend's face every night, and it's understandable – but if that attitude doesn't stop and you don't change your ways, the Powers will banish you from this life and you'll have no memory of what's occurred over the past five years. We can't have someone so blatantly bigoted being associated with the Slayer."

Xander stares at him with wide eyes, and after exchanging a look of shock and embarrassment with Anya and then with us, he sits back down in his seat and refuses to look at anything except for the floor. Anya makes a show of sitting as far away from him as possible.

What's scary is that once upon a time, I was just like Xander. Maybe not so vocal about it and not so harsh – OK, maybe sometimes I could be that harsh – but I was still the same. Though now I see that Whistler's right; the world needs balance, because the world is a big shade of grey.

"Shall we get back to the discussion?" Giles suggests, breaking the awkward silence.

"Let's," says Whistler. He turns to me. "We were gonna wait until after he'd returned, but when you slept with him right before the battle… Well, the sooner the better, if you ask us. We got to work, and the baby you're carrying right now? The first Seraphim to be born since before the war."

My hand falls to my stomach in shock. Of course that's what Whistler's explanation was building up to, but it's still a surprise. Not only is my baby a Seraph – an _angel_ – but it'll be responsible for bringing balance to the world. Which means that it'll constantly be in danger. My anger flares at the thought of my unborn child in any kind of danger; I should find a way to the PTB and give them a piece of my mind.

Whistler must notice the dark expression cross my face. "And that's my cue to leave." He gets to his feet. "Don't worry about it, Slayer. The Powers have every confidence in you and your vampire. Your daughter will be fine."

"Daughter?" I'm having a girl?

"Whoops. Sorry." He puts his hat back on. "Once she's an adult she'll be able to turn certain demons back into Seraphs and bring balance back into the world."

"So are you leaving us?"

"I've got things to do and places to be." He shrugs. "You and your groupies have handled stuff like this before; you can handle this, too. I'll be around every now and again, but until the next time I see you, you're on your own."

"So basically you're dropping this information on us before running away," observes Anya.

"Pretty much." Whistler shrugs again. "See you around, Slayer." And with that he exits the room and lets himself out.

Leaving us to think about this life-changing information.

Giles takes out his notepad and pen – why didn't he do that earlier? – and begins writing. "So, to review, the Powers That Be wish to bring balance back into this world, one that was lost during a great war that brought demons to Earth and led to the near extinction of the Seraphim. The only way they could do this was to pair up a Slayer and a vampire, meaning that they had to get a vampire to reform. So they cursed Angel with a soul in order to prevent his evil tendencies while he fell in love with Buffy, who was chosen due to being raised away from the Council's prejudice. But Angel failed the test when his soul was taken from him, and after his death he was brought back so he could seek his own redemption. The Powers turned their attention to Spike after he helped Buffy save the world, and they gave him a chip; something that wouldn't change his personality but would prevent him from killing for the time being. Though unlike Angel, Spike passed their test and proved himself worthy."

"And fathered my child," I conclude.

He nods. "And now, Buffy, you're pregnant with the first Seraphim to be born in eons."

I bite my lip, trying not to think about my daughter being some kind of saviour; probably fighting every night like I do. What if she gets hurt? What if she doesn't come home one night and I'm left fearing the worst? This must've been how Mom felt after I told her about being the Slayer. Now I know why she was always so worried.

I watch as Giles writes other bits of information down, but he doesn't say them aloud. "So what happens now?"

Giles stops and sighs. "I suppose we wait until your child is born. It is imperative that no one else knows of Buffy's pregnancy. Many a demon will try and kill it in order to prevent the plans of the Powers from coming to pass."

I nod in agreement. "We all need to be on the same page and work together as a team." I look pointedly at Xander, who just looks down again at the floor. "Willow, how soon can you have the bot up and running?"

"Hopefully the day after tomorrow," she says. "I just need to take out the…err…certain awkward programming."

I don't ask. I know what she means. "OK. We can try and research more about Seraphs. The more information we have, the better. While I think Whistler wouldn't have kept anything from us, I don't want any nasty surprises further down the line."

"That is wise, Buffy," says Giles.

I nod and get to my feet. "Tomorrow someone needs to go and get some blood. I think it's best if we spend the day contemplating what we've just been told. Then when we've got clear heads and we can think straight," I look at Xander again and he avoids my gaze, "we'll have another talk about this. Hopefully by then Spike might be back to himself."

Xander and Anya leave, Anya making it clear that Xander's been banished to the couch until further notice. Xander for his part looks distant and uncertain, and I hope that he's thinking about what Whistler said.

When Giles is gone and Willow, Tara and Dawn head up the stairs to bed, I descend the stairs leading into the basement. When I reach the bottom Spike hops up from the bed and greets me with enthusiastic nuzzling at my neck.

I can't help but giggle. "Spike, that tickles."

He just smirks and keeps on doing it. It's all the more proof that Spike is still in there; it's still him. I just need to snap him out of it. But 'how' is the question. With Angel, he snapped out of it on his own after fighting Mr. Hyde. So violence could be the answer. But I know it won't be the same with Spike. For starters, if that was the case, he would've snapped out of it after saving me from that other vampire.

And Spike is different compared to Angel.

Spike steps back to stare at me, somehow sensing that I'm deep in thought. His vamp face should give me shudders – it's a face I used to be afraid of back when I was sixteen and still innocent to the horrors that awaited me – but the intense emotion in his eyes is nothing short of amazing. Those eyes shouldn't fit on the face of a demon, but they're there and they're so full of love that it almost takes my breath away.

I smile and once again run my hand through his hair. He purrs.

"What am I going to do with you?" It's late now and I need sleep, so I'll have to figure out what to do in the morning. I turn to leave, but then Spike takes my hand and whimpers like he did before.

But before, I needed to leave in order to talk to Whistler. Now I can't argue with that face staring at me.

"Alright," I tell him. "I'll stay."

He leads me over to the bed, looking so happy that I'm staying that I can't stop that happiness from rubbing off on me. It's just so cute and endearing.

I lay down first and budge over, allowing him to lie down next to me. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in close, burying his nose into my hair and taking a long, obvious whiff. I smile when a loud purr echoes around the room.

When he's back to himself I'm never gonna let him forget that the so-called Big Bad vampire acted like a cute little kitten.


	8. Chapter Eight: Apologies

**Chapter Notes** : One big change in this chapter, one I'm pretty satisfied with.

* * *

This time I'm not alone when I wake up.

Spike's still holding me like a lifeline and still wearing his demon face, so nothing's changed. He's still feral. I'll have to figure out how to get him back to normal, no matter how adorable he is like this. I try to get up, but Spike's arms just tighten around me and he growls softly in his sleep.

I roll my eyes. "Typical." I try to get up again, and this time the disturbance wakes him. His eyes open and for a moment he looks happy to see me, purring in adorable contentment and everything. But then he seems to figure out that I'm trying to leave and he growls again.

Great. "Spike, I'm hungry. And I'm sure you are, too." Just in time to back me up my stomach rumbles. Like, really loudly.

Spike relents and lets go of me. I climb off the bed, and looking down at myself I realize I haven't changed my clothes in a while. I'm probably really stinky. "Maybe I can have a shower first…" Another rumble from my stomach sends that thought away. Hopefully no one will notice the sudden disgusting smell in the house. Or how horrible I must look.

Still on the bed, Spike sits up and reaches out towards me. I comply, leaning into his touch, and he nuzzles my neck again with a content purr.

Maybe I don't look so bad, after all.

After hearing someone in the kitchen I pull reluctantly away from Spike. "I'll be back with a yummy treat for you," I tell him. He seems to brighten up a little at that, but still looks pained as I climb the stairs out of the basement.

When I walk into the kitchen I see Dawn sat at the island, still in her pyjamas and with a bowl of cereal in front of her. She turns to me and smiles. "Morning."

"Morning," I greet her back. "Did you sleep well?"

"Mm-hmm." She nods. "I'm sure you did too with your Spike-shaped pillow."

I flinch. Of course she must've noticed the distinct lack of Buffy in Buffy's room. I look at the clock and figure that Willow and Tara must've already left for their class – meaning that unless they left in a blissful hurry, they must know where I slept last night, too. "He didn't want me to leave him on his own. And it's hard to resist him when he looks at me like a kicked puppy."

"Totally understand," she says and takes another mouthful. "Guls culld nd sud hos gunu puk-"

"Stop!" I turn away from the sight of cereal falling from my sister's mouth. "There's stuff coming out of your mouth, and it's not words! Please swallow before you speak!"

So she swallows and says, "Giles called and said he's gonna pick up some blood for Spike before stopping by. He's gonna be spending all day at his flat researching."

I nod. I can't help but notice that Giles is taking all this really well, especially for someone who made a big deal out of Spike before and particularly after we all found out how Spike actually feels about me. Over the summer Dawn even told me about the time he almost chucked Spike out of the Magic Box and into the sunlight when he came by to pester them.

My stomach growls again and I sigh, grabbing the box of cereal Dawn left out.

"Why eat when you're probably gonna throw it up again?" asks Dawn.

"I didn't throw up yesterday morning," I say. "Mostly because I was asleep, but same thing."

"Asleep on a Spike-shaped pillow."

"Why do you keep bringing that up?"

"Because I want a Spike-shaped pillow." At my wide eyes she adds, "In a totally non-romantic way. In a 'he's my big brother' way. Which he totally is."

I pour myself a bowl, add milk and eat up. But of course Dawn's right, and when I'm finished I feel it all coming up again so I run up the stairs to the bathroom. Thank god for Slayer speed; I make it in time and throw up into the toilet.

Why does the baby not like cereal? I'm hungry and cereal's good for me. With cereal I won't put on weight, which I know is inevitable anyway but I don't want to be any fatter than I already will be.

And I'm hungry. I need food. The baby needs food. So why do I have to throw it all up again?

I sense someone behind me. At first I think it's Dawn, but when cool fingers brush my hair aside and hold it out of the way of my face, I glance sideways and the bathroom mirror. The lack of reflection confirms who it is.

"Spike…"

He grunts softly and I feel his nose nuzzle that sensitive spot behind my ear. He has no clue what's going on, but he must have heard me running in panic. And now he's come to try and help me in any way he can. It's majorly sweet.

When I'm done I flush the chain and stand back up, turning to Spike. He sends me a look of concern and reaches out to tenderly brush my cheek.

"I'm fine," I assure him, even though I'm far from it; my stomach feels empty again and I'm caught between filling it back up and risking the vomit, or ignoring the hunger and letting myself starve – and the baby starve, too.

Spike seemingly senses my worry and leans in to nuzzle me again. It helps ease away the pain a little, at least.

"Buffy! Giles is here!"

At the sound of Dawn's voice Spike pulls away and looks out the bathroom door. Then he growls, meaning he must sense my Watcher's arrival.

Remembering Anya's words from yesterday I place a hand on his shoulder in order to calm him down. "Spike, Giles isn't going to hurt us, or…challenge you, or whatever. He's here to help. He probably brought you some blood, too."

But my words are having no effect on him. His growls just grow louder, and I'm forced to block the doorway in case he might decide to go charging down the stairs and attack Giles outright.

"Buffy?" Dawn calls up the stairs.

"Spike's up here and he's acting like Father of the Pride again," I call down. "Just tell Giles to leave the blood down there and be out the door quick. If Spike pulls the puppy eyes look at me again, I don't think I'll be able to resist."

"Understood, Buffy." Spike growls at the sound of my Watcher's voice, and I place a hand on his cheek to keep him calm. "I will be at my home if you need to get a hold of me. Anya's in charge of the shop and Willow and Tara will be helping her after their classes."

"OK!" I call down to him. I hear the door slam shut and I relax before turning my attention back to Spike. "Even now you're a pain in the ass. This Man of the House thing is gonna get old pretty fast."

Spike just nuzzles my neck once more and I forget what I was mad at him for.

We head down the stairs and find Dawn already heating up a bowl full of blood. The mental image of Spike drinking blood out of a bowl like a dog is hilarious – and also disgusting.

I also notice that Giles has brought over a large bag filled with several spare packets, acknowledging that Spike's going to be staying here for a while – probably staying here indefinitely – and once again I'm relieved that he's taking this as well as he is. He had problems with Angel, but that had more to do with the kind of guy Angel is rather than the fact that he's a vampire. And there's the girlfriend-murdering part, too. I flinch at the thought of it.

I see something else in the bag and smile when I pull out a box of Weetabix. Spike's face lights up like a kid in a candy store.

"I can handle the King of Pride Rock while you go take a shower," says Dawn as the microwave dings and she takes out the blood. "Seriously, I can smell you from here."

"Ha, ha." She pokes her tongue out at me. "Spike's got super vamp smell and he's not complaining. Are you, Spike?"

In response he nuzzles me again and purrs.

"He probably can't smell you over the scent of himself," says Dawn. "Hell dimensions need to hire better cleaners or exterminators or whatever, because he smells worse than you."

Spike looks offended and I can't help but laugh.

* * *

After I take a shower and change, I make my way back downstairs and find Spike and Dawn in the living room. Dawn's sat on the couch and Spike's kneeling next to her on the floor with his head in her lap. She's running her hand through his hair and he's purring in response.

Hard to believe that he used to be an evil vampire when he's acting like this.

I grab a bite to eat which I thankfully _don't_ throw up. I then clean the kitchen – and oh my god, Giles was _so_ right about the blood and the Weetabix; I'm never eating food again – before sitting down opposite Spike and Dawn in order to read the baby book Anya leant me. Spike doesn't see it.

I don't think he knows, despite the extra heartbeat he must be able to hear.

We sit like that until midday, when we hear a knock at the door. Spike looks up and growls, and I signal for Dawn to keep him occupied while I go to answer it. It could be Giles with more information, or Willow and Tara stopping by.

I open the door, and I blink in surprise at the sight of Xander standing on the other side, hands in his pockets and looking apologetic.

I'm about to ask what he's doing here when I hear a loud and threatening growl coming from the living room.

Xander's eyes widen as I turn and say, "Dawn, keep Spike with you!"

"I'll try!"

"Are you sure he's not gonna hurt us?" asks Xander, and I wonder if he's only come to look for an excuse to hate on Spike.

I step outside to join him and shut the door behind me. "I'm absolutely sure he won't hurt us. It's more like a tactic that animals do when they want to warn away a threat without resorting to violence."

"I know what you mean," he says. "The hyena demon did that. You know, when I was possessed that time?"

"Yeah…" His words make me realize something. "You also said that you didn't remember what happened."

His eyes widen. "Uh…"

The hurt I feel adds on to what happened yesterday, and I resist the urge to send him flying across the lawn. What he did that day was horrible. I don't entirely blame him for it, because he never would've done that under normal circumstances, but finding out that he actually remembered it happened and lied to me… I had to live with what happened. I had nightmares about it for about a month afterwards.

And he let me go through that alone, feigning innocence so I wouldn't blame him; so our friendship wouldn't be ruined, and let's face it, so he would stand a chance with me. I'm reminded of when he tried to ask me to prom and kicked up a fuss when I said 'no' for legitimate reasons – not just the hyena thing, but only seeing him as a friend as well – and taking that into account with this new information…

I finally say, "When are you ever gonna own up to your own actions? When are you going to stop avoiding things you don't like?" In this sense he and I were really alike; avoiding hard truths because we didn't want to face the consequences of what they could mean. But Spike forced me to see otherwise.

Now I just have to make Xander see the same; that acting the way he is will only hurt him in the end.

He looks down and takes a seat on the front step. "I know. I guess at first I wanted some kind of chance with you; a chance that would be blown if I admitted… Then as time went on I didn't wanna ruin our friendship. I was so scared that I actually did that…"

"I was scared, too," I tell him as I sit down next to him. "But I didn't have an out. I had to face what had happened, and I had to do it alone. I didn't want to talk to Willow about it; she was already upset enough. And I couldn't tell Mom. I didn't think Giles would be the right person to go to, and I was scared that Angel might kill you for it… You would've been the only person I could've talked to, but instead you saved yourself and didn't even think about what I was going through."

"I know, and I feel like crap for putting you through that," he admits. "I'm sorry. If I could go back and change what happened, then I would. I wanna make it up to you."

"You could start with accepting that what's happening to me is happening, and there's nothing you can do about it," I say. "You should take Whistler's words to heart and learn from your mistakes."

He nods. "That's what I came over here to do. To apologize, I mean. I just… Whenever demons get involved like this, I see red. I saw how badly Angel messed you up. I don't want that happening again. And OK, I agree that Spike is marginally better than Angel – he at least has good taste in music and cars – but…he still tried to kill us, you know? So when I heard that he got you pregnant, and that he didn't have his chip anymore… Well, my mouth opened and nothing good came out of it."

"Anya gave you a lot to think about?"

"Yeah. I'm banished to the couch until I can prove that I'm over this."

"You can't ignore her past just because you don't like it," I tell him. "It's a huge part of who she is. It defined her, and made her the person she is today. What happened to her brought her to you; if she hadn't become a Vengeance demon, she would've died over a thousand years ago and then you never would have met her."

I can see the realization hitting him. "Is that what it's like for you and Spike?"

"We haven't talked yet for obvious reasons, but when he comes back to himself… I don't know. I guess we can just be friends and see where it goes from there." I sigh. "I won't ever be OK with what he's done, but what's important is that he's not doing it anymore; what happened in the past stays in the past, and we can look forwards to a better future."

It really is starting to sink in for him. But he still looks worried. "So maybe I can admit that Dead Boy Jr. has switched sides. But be realistic, Buffy; don't you think that you and your baby deserve a father who can actually go out in the sunlight with you? Someone normal?"

I'm already shaking my head before he finishes the question. "You know that guy you tried to set me up with after the wedding? Richard?" He nods. "If I'd met him two years ago after all that stuff with Angel went down, he would've been my dream guy: nice, cute, dependable and _normal_. But I found out on my second date with him that normal is boring. And dangerous, because I had to convince him to skip dessert so I could leave early and catch a vampire I'd spotted. There's nothing wrong with Richard; if he met a nice, normal girl, he could be happy with her. He's just wrong for _me_. I've realized now that normal guys aren't gonna cut it, because I'm not a normal girl and that's not a bad thing. Denying what I am – thinking I can have a normal life – will only get me hurt as well as the people around me, mainly the guy I try dating in my denial."

"Us average joes are very breakable," he says, gesturing to the arm he broke last year during the incident with the troll. "And Anya once said that the sex wouldn't be as satisfying – but if that's true please keep that opinion to yourself, OK?"

I smile, deciding to let him off and not confirm that Anya's right.

Suddenly Spike growls louder – he's been doing it throughout the entire conversation, but not loud enough to be noticeable – and I sigh. "Dawn!"

"There's only so much I can do, Buffy!" she calls from inside.

"I'll take that as my cue to leave." Xander gets to his feet, and so do I. "I can't promise you that it'll be sunshine and rainbows between me and the bleached wonder, but I'll try if he does."

"He will. And thanks."

He turns to leave, and I quickly hurry inside and shut the door before Spike can get out and chase him down the road – or as far as he can before he bursts into flames. As soon as the door shuts, I here scrambling feet and Spike is suddenly in front of me. I yelp in surprise.

"Spike!" He makes several low growls as he sniffs me all over. "God, possessive, much? You can't growl at every guy who comes within a metre of me!"

Spike takes a step back, looking hurt, and begins to whimper.

"Geez," says Dawn, joining us and noticing the expression, too. "It's like being mad at a puppy."

"Impossible?" She's right. I can't stay mad at Spike for long when he's like this. And his protective instincts are kinda cute. At least he's not really overbearing like Angel used to be. "Come here, Spike. I'm sorry I yelled."

I extend my hand towards him and he nuzzles it, purring.

I like him like this – not talking my ear off is a pretty good bonus – but I know this can't last. Him growling and attacking every man who goes near me, not fully understanding the situation… He can't be of much help when he's like this. He'll try, because of course he will, but apart from fighting there's nothing he can really do. As adorable as he is like this, he needs to come back to himself.

And I need to find a way to do that.

* * *

Just as the sun is setting Willow and Tara arrive home from their classes. Giles arrives too and tells me that I need to find a way to snap Spike out of his feral state.

"I know, Giles," I say. I was hoping that he'd have an idea, but since he hasn't told me anything I guess he's come up blank in that area. Meaning that I'll have to figure it out myself.

I walk down into the basement where Spike's been for the rest of the afternoon, and once again he greets me with enthusiastic nuzzling. I giggle. I can't help but think that this is his demon's way of kissing.

Kissing.

It sounds too much like a fairytale, but…

I sigh. "Well, there's no harm in trying." So I lean in and press my lips to his.

I'm gentle at first so I don't cut myself on his fangs, but then he kisses me more fully and I can't help but respond in kind. So feral Spike knows how to kiss. Go figure.

I hear shifting bones and realize that his game face is gone. But that doesn't mean anything; for a time Angel wasn't wearing his game face when he was feral, which somehow made him scarier. At least when he was wearing his vamp face he looked the part of a feral demon. With his human face…

Suddenly Spike pulls away from me and I find myself looking up into those wonderful blue eyes I missed so much.

Spike stares at me with wide eyes, taking in deep breaths from the kiss and I don't have to guess to know that he's back to himself. The spark of intelligence is there; the awareness of self. So why isn't he saying anything?

"Spike?" I ask hesitantly, reaching out to touch him.

His hand meets mine in the middle, and he holds it gently like I'm made of china; like he thinks I'm not real and will disappear at any moment.

"Buffy?" His voice is nothing but a whisper, but it doesn't matter. I've missed that cocky English accent of his.

I nod, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "Yes. It's me. I'm here."

He steps closer as his grip on my hand tightens, and he brings his other hand up to my face before his thumb gently brushes my cheek. I watch silently as tears of joy and relief begin to form in his eyes.

His head falls suddenly and he buries his face into my shoulder as he begins to weep. I can do nothing but encircle my arms around him in comfort.


	9. Chapter Nine: Revelations

**Chapter Notes** : This story's been Featured on _Elysian Fields_! Thank you!

* * *

"SPIKE!"

It takes only one glance at Spike's blue eyes and non-vampy face for Dawn to figure out that he's back to himself, and she races across the room to tackle him into a hug that would hurt anyone who wasn't super-human. And even then Spike has to take a step back in order to keep his balance.

He looks surprised, but underneath that I can see that he's glad to see her. "Blimey, Bit! Where's the fire?" he asks while returning her hug.

Dawn just buries her face into his chest and I notice that she's starting to cry. I don't blame her, remembering her devastation that lasted for weeks right after he died. "I just… I missed you so much. You were dead and you…" She sniffs and attempts to wipe her tears away.

"What's this, then?" Spike pulls away to look at her before tenderly wiping her tears away with his thumb. "All this for bad ol' me?"

"Keep telling yourself that," says Dawn with a smile. "You're…you're not a bad guy, Spike."

"Oi! You take that back!"

Dawn giggles, and I smile. It's nice to see him back to his old self.

Spike turns to the others. "Watcher." He nods at Giles, who nods back, before he turns to Willow and Tara. He smiles at them – like, actually smiles, not one of his disgusting leers or annoying smirks. It actually looks pretty nice. "Red, Glinda; nice to see you both."

"I-It's good to see you too, Spike," says Tara.

Willow just gives Spike a little wave before turning back to me. "We're gonna head up to bed, OK? Early class tomorrow."

I still don't understand why they're taking summer classes. Summer should be the time for having fun in the sun, not studying in a classroom. I do enough of that for the rest of the year, and it sucks. "Sure. Night."

They head up the stairs, and for a few minutes, everything's just…awkward. Spike stands next to Dawn with an arm around her shoulders, Giles stands in the doorway leading to the living room and I stand somewhere in between. Neither of us know what to say or where to start.

"Um…" Everyone looks at me and I'm not even sure I want to say anything. "Do you need a shower?" I ask Spike. "You'll…probably wanna get cleaned up. And you'll want to chuck those away." I point at his filthy and ripped jeans.

"I have some of your clothes," says Dawn. "From when we…cleaned your crypt out. We've still got some of your stuff; it's in boxes downstairs. Apart from the larger things like your bed and the couch."

"I think Clem was supposed to gather up all your poker buddies and remove those," I say. "I don't think he got round to it. Or he forgot."

Spike smirks a little at that. "Not surprised. Yeah, I think I'll take a shower." He removes his arm from Dawn and he runs a hand through his hair. I expect him to make a comment about it – probably ask if he can borrow our hair products in order to slick it back – but he doesn't. He doesn't even acknowledge that it's curled.

"OK." I nod. "Good. So, err…let's get moving, guys. Then…then we can explain why you're back, Spike."

He blinks and gives me a curious look, but he doesn't pester and instead heads up the stairs and straight into the bathroom. Dawn follows, but instead goes into her own room in order to pick something out for Spike to wear. She kept some of his clothes in her room. For comfort, I think, needing the closeness after he died.

Giles goes to sit back in the living room and I climb the stairs. After hearing the shower running I head into Dawn's room, where she's laid out a few pairs of jeans and t-shirts. She's also got a red button-up out, the one Spike was wearing the night I first met him, outside the Bronze.

That feels like a lifetime ago, but I'm not surprised. We've both changed so much since that night.

A lot's changed since then.

"I don't know what to choose," says Dawn. "I mean, what would he want to wear? Will he even want to wear black? But he only has black and a bit of red, so…"

"I'm sure he won't mind what you choose," I assure her. "Besides, it's not like there's much to choose from." I mean, seriously; they all look the same, like he shops in the same store – a Billy Idol wannabe store – and buys the same outfit every single time.

The guys seriously needs to pick up a fashion magazine once in a while.

"I know he won't mind," says Dawn. "But… It feels weird."

"Him being back?"

She nods. "He's back, and I'm so happy. But at the same time I've only just grown used to him being gone. And now I have to adjust to him being around again. I just want to keep hugging him in case he gets pulled back."

"I know the feeling."

I feel tingles at the back of my neck and turn…

Oh. Wow.

I've seen Spike without his shirt on before, and though I tried my best to ignore the Greek-God-Statue worthiness of it back in my Spike-hating days, even I had to admit that he's hot. I think I'll have to be physically blind not to see that.

But…I've never seen him shirtless while he's also wet. I mean, _wow_. I didn't think water drops could actually _do_ that in real life; look so round and full while on someone's chest. I thought it was just something that happened in movies. But here's Spike proving that wrong, just like everything else in my life. It's a habit of his.

He's got a towel around his waist so all his…other bits are covered, but… Yum. Is it rude to be staring at him like this? Should I look away? Do I _want_ to look away?

Spike doesn't say anything. No leers, no bragging; nothing. He just raises an eyebrow in that usual way he does which makes him look even sexier, but he has an air of vulnerability about him and I'm probably making it worse by staring at him like this.

I look away, blushing.

"I didn't know what you'd want," says Dawn, pointing to the clothes on the floor and cutting through the suddenly heavy atmosphere. Is it getting really hot in here?

"I'll just take the closest, thanks," says Spike. He holds out his hand and Dawn passes the clothes to him. Then, with a nod to both of us, he goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door behind him.

Dawn turns to me. "Lucky."

"Huh?" I turn to her.

"All that's yours," says Dawn.

I catch on to what she's saying and shake my head. "No… No! It's not like that."

"That's not what it looked like from where I was standing," she says with a smirk. "You were practically _drooling_ all over him."

"Was not!" I deny. "I mean, he's hot, yeah, but… It's not like that, OK?"

"Why not?" she asks. Lowering her voice, she adds, "You had sex with him, you're carrying…well, you know, and it's clear that he still loves you. And you don't hate him anymore. _And_ should I mention the staring and the drooling again?"

But I shake my head. "Just because I don't hate him anymore doesn't mean I'm going to start thinking about him like…that. The world's more complicated than that, Dawn."

"You stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself that every night?"

I ignore her, but I can't help but think about it. I like Spike now. That's easy to admit. And liking him now – and also carrying his child – doesn't mean I should just go jumping into a relationship with him.

Right?

* * *

I head into the kitchen in order to heat Spike's blood up. Not long afterwards I hear Spike and Dawn come back down the stairs, talking, and I can't help but smile at the genuine affection on Spike's face. There's no doubt that seeing us both alive and safe – knowing that his sacrifice wasn't in vain – is putting him in a good mood.

But what about after we tell him what's going on?

How will he react to not having the chip anymore, permanently? How will he react to being the "test subject" of the Powers That Be? How will he react to being a father?

It feels so surreal. We've only just found out about it ourselves, and we're all still reeling. What's coming – what's already been happening – is bigger than all of us. It's the game changer.

" _You think you know; what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun."_ Tara's words from a dream long ago echo in my head. Back then, I had no clue what they meant. Now I do.

The microwave dings and I take out Spike's now warm blood. I take in a deep breath – prepare myself for what's to come – before I walk into the living room with it. Spike, Dawn and Giles are sat down, and Dawn is in the middle of telling Spike about what's been happening since he…well, yeah.

I hand Spike the mug of blood and take a seat. Before he takes a sip he frowns and stares at the mug intently. "This was mine. Back at the crypt."

"We brought your stuff here, remember?" says Dawn.

I can see Spike's mind working; figuring out that I didn't go into the basement for it, and therefore I had it in the kitchen with all our clean and 'non-Spike' stuff, but he doesn't point it out. Instead he just takes a few small sips of the blood.

"So now we get to the important stuff," he says.

I nod. "But first… You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I have to ask. Where were you?"

He sighs, looking away. For a moment I don't think he's going to answer. "Hell. I think. I don't remember much. Blocked out the pain."

"That explains why you were all 'grr' when you got back," I comment. "Do you remember…what you did when you got back here?"

"Bits and pieces," he says, looking at both me and Dawn. "I remember you two. Seein' you both alive made it all worth it. I don't have any plans to go back there soon, but… If I had to do it again – had the chance to do something faster, more cleverer – I wouldn't change a thing. I'd go back there if it meant keepin' you two safe."

He means it, I know he does. And is it wrong that I wouldn't change anything either? I could change it so we'd all survive, but then if he lived – or unlived, whatever – then I would still hate him. I would still think his love for me is nothing more than a twisted obsession he doesn't fully understand, I would still think that Angel was the greatest guy ever, and I'd still think that demons were bad and could never change. Spike sacrificing himself changed all that.

So no. I wouldn't change anything, either.

Spike looks like he's about to speak again, but then he pauses and starts to glance around him. He looks puzzled.

"Is something wrong?" I ask.

"Are you sure it's just us?" he asks. "Or Harris could be lurkin' 'round here somewhere…"

I frown. "What are you talking about?"

"Heartbeats," he says, turning back to me. "I can here six when there're only five of you here; you three and the witches upstairs. Can't place the sixth one. It's small and faint."

Six heartbeats. One small and faint.

He can hear the baby.

I have to tell him now. I have to be honest. He's the father, and he deserves to know.

Dawn gets up from the couch, and I know what she's thinking. I rise from my seat, and we swap places so I'm sat next to Spike. He frowns at us, and then even more so when I take his hands in mine.

"Spike…" My words get caught in my throat. I was never good at being Word-girl. I've always been Action-girl. Maybe that's who I need to be now. "Focus on me. Listen."

He does. I watch as he listens for my heartbeat, probably moving a little quicker than it should be. His eyes widen when he finally places the sixth heartbeat, coming from me as well. He looks at my belly and then back at me, and while I see shock I also see…sadness.

Why is he upset? It hits me that as far as he knows, vampires can't have children. So he probably thinks that the baby is someone else's and that I've moved on with some other guy. He keeps this sadness hidden, though.

" _I know you'll never love me…"_ He loves me enough to let me go. That's what makes him so endearing – and why I have to set him straight right now.

"You're… That's…that's wonderful." He moves to get to his feet, probably to escape and calm himself down. "Congratulations…"

I grab his hand to stop him from leaving. "Spike, she's yours." The words leave my mouth before I can stop them.

He freezes. I watch as he looks down at my hand gripping his before his eyes level to meet mine. There's no shock. He just looks at me – trying to see if I'm lying, I guess.

After a minute of just staring he shakes his head. "No…no, that's impossible. Vampires can't have kids." He lets go of my hand and my heart sinks. "Don't try and make me feel better, Buffy. You don't owe me anything."

"You think I'm…" Part of me knows this is just his insecurities talking – and the common knowledge that dead guys can't father kids – but another part of me is angry that he'd rebuff my words like that. "I wouldn't just say that to stop you from getting upset! You were the last guy I slept with; there hasn't been anyone since you!"

He blinks, and I can see a small hint of amazement – probably because of what I admitted, that there hasn't been anyone since him – but I can still see the sadness. He can't even bring himself to believe in this miracle. Who knew that the 'I love to brag!' vampire could get so insecure? "It still doesn't change the fact that I'm a vampire, pet."

"I thought the same," I tell him. "But we have proof in the form of an agent from the Powers That Be coming to tell us everything. So if you can sit down and _listen_ , we'll explain what he told us."

* * *

We tell him everything. Or rather, Giles tells him everything; he's better at talking about these things than I am.

Spike listens as he's told about the Seraphim. He listens as he's told about Angel, though I feel him squeezing my hand a little when Giles gets to the part about the failed test of love. He squeezes harder when told about how the Powers set their sights on him and were responsible for giving him the chip. I expect him to have something to say about that, but he doesn't say a word. He just continues to listen. I wonder if he's figured out that he doesn't have it anymore?

I know he won't kill again, but that small part of me where my insecurities hide has to hear it from him.

Giles explains that our baby is a Seraph and how Spike fits into that. Does he believe that the baby is his now?

When Giles stops talking we wait for Spike to start. But he doesn't say anything; just continues to grip my hand and I can literally see his mind moving a mile a minute. I don't think he knows how to react to all of this.

Finally he lets go of me and gets to his feet. "I need to think. You didn't happen to keep some of my smokes, did you?"

Dawn hurries out of the room and then returns with Spike's duster. Spike pauses for barely a moment to touch his prized coat in an odd but touching greeting, but then he grabs it and puts it on.

He's leaving. But he's not supposed to leave. Spike doesn't leave unless he has to.

"Spike-"

"Just goin' out on the back porch," he says. "Said I need to think. Just been told that the last two years of my bleedin' unlife were planned out by some wankers higher up in the playin' field."

"Oh." I look down. Is he going to rethink what he feels about me? Will he think that it's not real love and just love forced upon him? And why am I so upset about that?

I feel him gently touch my hand and I look up again to meet his blue, love-filled eyes. "Think I loved you before all that," he says, confirming what Whistler thought. "Not gonna leave you, Buffy. Never again. 'Specially not now with the little precious you're carryin'."

His endearment warms me. Why am I feeling this way about him? It has to be the pregnancy hormones. They make women feel weird things.

I nod. "OK."

And then he's gone, but not forever.

* * *

Giles is gone. I almost felt embarrassed after Spike left and I remembered that Giles had seen the whole thing. But he wisely chose not to say anything, instead telling me that he was going to try and research some more at his place before turning in for the night.

That was a while ago, and now Dawn's in bed, too. Leaving me alone.

Well, not quite alone. I still have the baby. And Spike's right outside.

Every time I get the urge to go out to him I hesitate, thinking that he's not ready; that he needs more time. But when will he be ready to talk? And how will I know when he'll be ready if I don't go out and see him? With that thought in mind I take in a deep breath and step outside.

Spike's sat on the porch step, in the same place he was sat all those months ago when I found out Mom was sick and he'd come to kill me, but instead gave me comfort. When he saw me in pain he dropped everything he was doing and chose instead to help in whatever way he could, even if it was just sitting there next to me in silence.

I cross the short space separating us and sit down beside him. He doesn't protest; doesn't say a word. So he must be done thinking.

He confirms it when he speaks. "I don't know what your attitude is towards me these days…but whatever it is, I'm not gonna leave you, no matter what you say. I meant that."

"I know," I say with a nod. "And…I don't hate you anymore. After you died it hit me that you really do love me. It took a lot to realize it; Giles sitting me down, Dawn yelling at me, climbing up to the top of Glory's tower…"

"What?" His eyes widen with worry.

"I'm fine." I take his hand and squeeze it gently. "Totally fine. Then after we buried your chip Angel came and I confronted him; I didn't know why you loved me without your soul while he couldn't. He corrected me that he merely _didn't_. Angelus always loved Darla. I got really mad that he made me think otherwise all this time. Then I caught some rapist guy, and Anya had a talk with me and I want on a quest to the desert…" I sigh. "I realized that the world is a lot more complicated than I first thought, and seeing it as I want to see it will only get me and others hurt or worse. You love me, Spike. You _died_ for me and Dawn. I can never hate you for that."

He's silent, just staring off into the distance of the night, deep in thought. Then he says, "Not gonna go and kill again. Won't do anything to hurt you."

I knew that already, but hearing him say it lifts a huge weight off my shoulders. "I know."

"You gonna tell Peaches that I'm back?"

I shake my head. "He doesn't need to know." I know that if I tell him it won't take him long to figure out that Spike no longer has his chip, and despite warning him not to come back, he will anyway. Because I know, deep down, he still feels the need to protect me.

I think for a moment what it would have been like had Angelus passed the test of love; if he hadn't gone psycho on me and had stayed to have a baby. But I can't picture it. All I see is the cruel face of Angelus and the emotionally-hidden face of Angel, and I know that I would never, ever wish to have him as my baby's father.

I'd choose Spike any day.

I don't know if I can love him, even now. Maybe my heart's been too badly damaged in order to love again. But I know that I care about him, like I care about the rest of my friends; my family.

And we have plenty of time; nine months of pregnancy and a whole life ahead of us. Raising a child, together. That'll make even the hardest of hearts fall in love. I know things will be hard, and we'll stumble along the way, but that's life. We just have to keep going no matter what the world throws at us.

Spike turns and his other hand – the one that's not holding mine – reaches across and gently touches my belly; like he's afraid he'll hurt me or I'll vanish into thin air.

"She's ours," he whispers in awe. I think it's finally sinking in.

I squeeze his hand. "She is."

"I'm gonna be a dad," he says, and I see a tear in the corner of his eye. "You're carryin'… We're gonna be a…"

"Family," I finish.

He buries his face into my shoulder. "What did I do to bloody deserve this?"

I don't answer, because he should already know.

* * *

 **End Notes** : So yeah. That's really the end. *dodges flying tomatoes* OK, OK, I'm thinking about writing a oneshot set in the future of this 'verse, but I'm not sure yet. I'm sorry for the open ending, but honestly, I've always found them much more interesting instead of tying everything up in a nice little bow. It keeps readers thinking about the story. Anyway, I'd like to say a huge thank to everyone who's read and reviewed this story, and stuck with me through the re-writes. I'm going to be taking a break from writing fanfiction for a bit for two reasons: I've started a new job which is taking up a lot of time (and causing stress), and my laptop is slowly dying, so I need a new one soon. Hopefully I won't leave my other WIPs hanging for too long, but I can't make any promises. Thanks again!


End file.
